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Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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50 Years Of Climate Change, Habitat Loss Somehow Unable To Take Down Goddamned Parrotfish

The resilient little son of a bitch.
The resilient little son of a bitch.

SEATTLE—Saying that the species has thus far defied all scientific projections, stunned officials from the Marine Conservation Institute announced Tuesday that the past half century of climate change and habitat loss somehow hasn’t managed to take down the goddamned parrotfish.

According to conservation biologists, rising ocean temperatures, increased runoff of chemicals into coastal waters, and the decimation of coral reefs haven’t even come close to putting these vibrantly colored tropical sons of bitches on the endangered list, let alone succeeded in wiping them out completely.

“Considering the unprecedented disruption to their ecosystems, the parrotfish should have been eradicated years ago, but remarkably, these little bastards are still around,” said Dr. Elliott Norse, the institute’s chief scientist, noting that overfishing alone ought to have done in the shallow-water ocean dweller “10 times over.” “I’m just shocked that with all the oil spills, greenhouse gas emissions, and God knows what else we’re throwing at them, we haven’t finished them off yet. Not by a long shot.”

“Our statistical models predicted they would all be long gone by now,” he continued. “But these suckers just keep hanging on. Every couple years we check, and they’re still fucking there. It’s unbelievable.”

While population estimates indicate that the fish’s numbers are not as high as they used to be, scientists confirmed that the aquatic creatures are nonetheless flourishing like you would not goddamn believe. Additionally, researchers acknowledged that even though pollution from fertilizers, pesticides, and wastewater is helping to kill off the reefs upon which parrotfish depend for survival, these resilient foot-long fuckers can still be found, scraping by, throughout the Indo-Pacific and Caribbean regions.

According to marine scientists, you would think that widespread habitat destruction—a phenomenon that only took a couple decades to absolutely obliterate the now-extinct Tecopa pupfish—would have put the parrotfish out of commission too, but nope, it sure hasn’t.

“Seriously, what’s it going to take to kill these things?” said Norse, who explained that parrotfish must have some serious balls to have survived the devastating effects of global warming and ocean acidification. “Every piece of evidence we have suggests they should be belly-up, washing up on the goddamn shore. Years back, we looked at these fish—which, by the way, don’t even have the benefit of protected status—and immediately thought, ‘Okay, these guys are goners.’ Seemed like a no-brainer, you know?”

“Well, don’t we look like a bunch of idiots now?” he added. “I gotta hand it to ’em, though. They’re persistent little shits.”

At press time, scientists confirmed that despite the rising sea levels, marine debris, industrial effluents, climate stress, natural predation, and hurricanes, those little cocksuckers are still plugging right along and will probably outlive us all.

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