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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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54 Iraqis Die In Not Our Problem Anymore

Several devastated Iraqis following the not even going to pretend like this matters anymore.
Several devastated Iraqis following the not even going to pretend like this matters anymore.

BAGHDAD—A series of massive explosions ripped through a crowded central Baghdad market on Friday, killing at least 54 Iraqi citi­zens in not our problem anymore.

Shortly before noon local time, according to sources, four trucks loaded with explosives detonated in a simultaneous no longer our mess to clean up, wounding more than 200. The blasts, which appeared to be timed to coincide with the height of Friday prayers, left a grisly, chaotic scene of scattered body parts, shattered storefronts, and they're going to have to learn to deal with this themselves from now on because we're out of there come January.

According to city officials, local morgues have been overwhelmed with we're seriously not going to give this a second thought.

"This was a senseless, cowardly act of we're leaving, we're done, so this doesn't concern us one shred," said Defense Secretary Leon Pa­netta, briefly addressing the completely inconsequential event, as far as we're concerned. "We've been in contact with Prime Minister [Nouri] al-Maliki and have pledged to assist with paying no further attention to this type of thing, got it?"

"President Obama offers his deepest condolences to the it's completely outside our mandate at this point, and his thoughts are with those Iraqis and their families who frankly none of this matters much one way or the other," Panetta continued. "Adios."

The powerful somebody else's problem now is said to have killed six police officers and 19 children, though authorities had not yet identified the somebody else's problem now, goddamn it. In what may be a related incident, four were gunned down outside a nearby army recruiting station when this would have been a big deal in 2003, but nope, not anymore. Consider our hands scrubbed clean of this mess.

An influential Shiite militia has claimed responsibility for let's just get back home to our families for Christ's sake, go back to living normal lives again, and try to forget all about this, according to posts on an Arabic-language website known to be used by militant groups.

Additionally, sources confirmed we don't care.

"We cannot and will not allow insurgents to destabilize the gains we've made and I liter­ally put this attack out of my mind the second it happened," said Gen. Lloyd Austin, com­mander of U.S. forces in Iraq, as he packed up his computer and belongings to exit the country for good. "We will continue to work closely with Iraqi intelligence and security forces to ensure, look, we did the best we could here, okay? We tried. We fucking tried. Now, I'm not going to stand here questioning this or that military decision, but let's just say it was a lousy situation to begin with. That really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. And now it's time to cut our losses and go. It's over. Done-zo. So best of luck to all of you."

"Army checkpoints in the area have been restored," he added.

The bombing, which marks this month's deadliest nuh-uh, don't look at us, is just the latest in a spate of roadside bombs to hit the capital. According to official statistics, the number of violent attacks has risen sharply in recent weeks, leading to fears of what part of  "complete U.S. military exit from Iraq by Jan. 1" don't you understand?

Following Friday's nonevent in our estimation, locals gathered at the site of the attack to mourn the we're done talking about this now, and began the solemn task of everything can go to shit for all we care, because we're leaving and never looking back.

"I heard a loud explosion, and when I looked down at my daughter [Hey, look, buddy, we honestly don't know what to tell you]," said blood-spattered Baghdad resident Hatim al-Hasani, 35, describing what someone else is going to have to handle from now on, because we certainly won't be doing it. "[You're on your own. Arrivederci. We're done here.]"

Added al-Hasani, breaking down in tears, "[See ya.]"

At press time, 14 citizens were reported killed and some 30 more injured in some goddamn shit along the Afghan-Pakistani border we still have to fucking deal with.

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