BAGHDAD—A series of massive explosions ripped through a crowded central Baghdad market on Friday, killing at least 54 Iraqi citizens in not our problem anymore.
Shortly before noon local time, according to sources, four trucks loaded with explosives detonated in a simultaneous no longer our mess to clean up, wounding more than 200. The blasts, which appeared to be timed to coincide with the height of Friday prayers, left a grisly, chaotic scene of scattered body parts, shattered storefronts, and they're going to have to learn to deal with this themselves from now on because we're out of there come January.
According to city officials, local morgues have been overwhelmed with we're seriously not going to give this a second thought.
"This was a senseless, cowardly act of we're leaving, we're done, so this doesn't concern us one shred," said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, briefly addressing the completely inconsequential event, as far as we're concerned. "We've been in contact with Prime Minister [Nouri] al-Maliki and have pledged to assist with paying no further attention to this type of thing, got it?"
"President Obama offers his deepest condolences to the it's completely outside our mandate at this point, and his thoughts are with those Iraqis and their families who frankly none of this matters much one way or the other," Panetta continued. "Adios."
The powerful somebody else's problem now is said to have killed six police officers and 19 children, though authorities had not yet identified the somebody else's problem now, goddamn it. In what may be a related incident, four were gunned down outside a nearby army recruiting station when this would have been a big deal in 2003, but nope, not anymore. Consider our hands scrubbed clean of this mess.
An influential Shiite militia has claimed responsibility for let's just get back home to our families for Christ's sake, go back to living normal lives again, and try to forget all about this, according to posts on an Arabic-language website known to be used by militant groups.
Additionally, sources confirmed we don't care.
"We cannot and will not allow insurgents to destabilize the gains we've made and I literally put this attack out of my mind the second it happened," said Gen. Lloyd Austin, commander of U.S. forces in Iraq, as he packed up his computer and belongings to exit the country for good. "We will continue to work closely with Iraqi intelligence and security forces to ensure, look, we did the best we could here, okay? We tried. We fucking tried. Now, I'm not going to stand here questioning this or that military decision, but let's just say it was a lousy situation to begin with. That really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. And now it's time to cut our losses and go. It's over. Done-zo. So best of luck to all of you."
"Army checkpoints in the area have been restored," he added.
The bombing, which marks this month's deadliest nuh-uh, don't look at us, is just the latest in a spate of roadside bombs to hit the capital. According to official statistics, the number of violent attacks has risen sharply in recent weeks, leading to fears of what part of "complete U.S. military exit from Iraq by Jan. 1" don't you understand?
Following Friday's nonevent in our estimation, locals gathered at the site of the attack to mourn the we're done talking about this now, and began the solemn task of everything can go to shit for all we care, because we're leaving and never looking back.
"I heard a loud explosion, and when I looked down at my daughter [Hey, look, buddy, we honestly don't know what to tell you]," said blood-spattered Baghdad resident Hatim al-Hasani, 35, describing what someone else is going to have to handle from now on, because we certainly won't be doing it. "[You're on your own. Arrivederci. We're done here.]"
Added al-Hasani, breaking down in tears, "[See ya.]"
At press time, 14 citizens were reported killed and some 30 more injured in some goddamn shit along the Afghan-Pakistani border we still have to fucking deal with.