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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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57 Women Stoned To Death During Annual Riyadh Fashion Week

Stone-wielding attendees say this year’s Riyadh Fashion Week was the most successful yet.
Stone-wielding attendees say this year’s Riyadh Fashion Week was the most successful yet.

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—With local organizers and attendees hailing the event as a “major success,” the Saudi Arabian capital Riyadh wrapped up its 10th annual fashion week Friday, a star-studded international showcase of the latest trends during which 57 women were pelted to death by stones.

The glamorous high-fashion event, which debuted the fall couture collections of Calvin Klein, Diane Von Furstenberg, and Anna Sui among others, took place over seven days in the city’s upscale Olaya district and claimed the lives of dozens of models, assistants, and designers, as well as 19 female audience members whose outfits exposed parts of their bodies other than their eyes or hands.

“Riyadh Fashion Week is the place to be to check out the newest styles and kill the women wearing them,” said local fruit seller Salman Awad, who claimed that this was his favorite of the six Fashion Weeks he’s attended, as he was able to take out the eye of a model wearing a brocade tunic at Tuesday’s Vivienne Tam show. “My friends and I made sure to line up outside the tents before dawn to get good seats close to the front. It’s a lot easier to hit them in the head that way.”

“I’m already starting to save up my rocks for next year’s Fashion Week,” Awad added. “I can’t wait.”

Fashion Week organizers confirmed that this year’s turnout was the highest in the event’s history, attracting thousands of eager stone-wielding visitors from all over the Middle East. According to event staff, every runway show was standing room only, with fashion industry elites and celebrities rubbing elbows at top designers’ collection debuts and glitzy brand-sponsored after-parties alongside Saudi locals demanding to know which, if any, of the women had received permission to be there from either their husbands or a male member of their family.

This year’s event kicked off last Saturday with a chic multi-designer exhibition in the plush Kingdom Centre, during which audience members were reportedly stirred into a frenzy of anticipation even before the show began by large-screen projections of the hottest current fashion trends in Paris and Milan. Sources described the show as a “stunning spectacle,” with enthusiastic crowd members bombarding models one by one as they came out onto the catwalk, leaving a growing mound of bloodied female bodies and high-end custom-fitted gowns and accessories on stage.

In addition to the stonings, sources confirmed that during a disco-themed show Wednesday night featuring Jay Godfrey’s 2014 resort-wear line, attendees ran out of projectiles and were forced to rush the stage and strangle several models to death with their own $1,100 ruched cowl-neck tops, all while renowned DJ Geordon Nicol spun a live dance music set.

“From where I was sitting, I had a great view of Oscar de la Renta getting beheaded just a few rows in front of me,” said first-time Fashion Week visitor Faisal Qureshi. “When I bought my ticket I was only planning to hurl rocks at the models on the runway, but once everybody started chanting ‘Death to Western infidels,’ I ended up joining in on the melee and pummeling several hairstylists and makeup artists who looked like homosexuals.”

“It was the best fashion show I’ve ever been to,” he continued. “I got to personally hold down and help castrate three sodomites.”

While each year at least five or six women are stoned to death at Riyadh Fashion Week, organizers confirmed that this was by far the largest number killed since 2009, when 21 women modeling the DKNY summer line had their skulls bashed in with rocks as they changed backstage. Those who survived the initial bludgeoning and made it out to model that year’s high-waisted halter bikinis were reportedly met by a frenzied audience that threw cups of acid on their faces and bodies.

However, organizers say the event’s popularity has grown to such an extent that they are thinking of expanding the number of shows in the future.

“In Saudi Arabia, there’s a new generation of fashion-conscious citizens who want to stone the next big thing,” said Riyadh Fashion Week executive director Hakim Moghadam. “Whether it’s heaving rocks at the new Zac Posen ready-to-wear collection, or giving hundreds of lashes to anyone sporting BCBGMAXAZRIA, they want to be a part of the scene.”

“And we want to let everyone across the Kingdom know that they don’t have to travel to London or New York,” he continued. “They can slaughter the immodest in their own backyard, right here in Riyadh.”

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