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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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6-Overtime Game Unites Syracuse, UConn In Common-Law Marriage

NEW YORK—After a grueling three hours and 46 minutes of Big East tournament action last week, Syracuse finally defeated the University of Connecticut 127-117 and a New York state official declared the Orange and the Huskies were now legally husband and wife according to statutes governing common-law marriage. "I just thought it was a normal game, but once [UConn guard Kemba] Walker missed that three at the end of the second OT, I thought, 'Wait a minute, this seems pretty serious,'" said Judge Alistair Kenney, who noted that were either team to die, the other would be able to inherit without undue legal difficulty. "They fulfilled all the principles of common law: They were all competent to enter into a marriage and fulfilled the cohabitation requirement when I granted squatter's rights around the fourth overtime. All that was needed was mutual consent, and that was certainly implied by all the sweat, shared hardship, and squeaking, so I declared them man and wife. It was so lovely seeing those first two OTs of wedded bliss." This is the first marriage for either team, though they will share guardianship of 14 children from previous relationships.

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