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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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6-Overtime Game Unites Syracuse, UConn In Common-Law Marriage

NEW YORK—After a grueling three hours and 46 minutes of Big East tournament action last week, Syracuse finally defeated the University of Connecticut 127-117 and a New York state official declared the Orange and the Huskies were now legally husband and wife according to statutes governing common-law marriage. "I just thought it was a normal game, but once [UConn guard Kemba] Walker missed that three at the end of the second OT, I thought, 'Wait a minute, this seems pretty serious,'" said Judge Alistair Kenney, who noted that were either team to die, the other would be able to inherit without undue legal difficulty. "They fulfilled all the principles of common law: They were all competent to enter into a marriage and fulfilled the cohabitation requirement when I granted squatter's rights around the fourth overtime. All that was needed was mutual consent, and that was certainly implied by all the sweat, shared hardship, and squeaking, so I declared them man and wife. It was so lovely seeing those first two OTs of wedded bliss." This is the first marriage for either team, though they will share guardianship of 14 children from previous relationships.

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