6-Tool Player Sings Like An Angel

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Vol 45 Issue 11

Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday

CHICAGO—"I'm having a blast," said Brian Konig, unaware that work-related stress and financial responsibility will soon put a tragic end to his personal apex.

Christian Salt Introduced

After reportedly tiring of hearing chefs on television recommend kosher salt, a retired barber has introduced Blessed Christians Salt, which is sea salt blessed by an Episcopal priest. What to you think?
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6-Tool Player Sings Like An Angel

Jupiter, FL—In a spring training game on Wednesday, Marlins outfield prospect Cameron Maybin continued to impress scouts and opposing players alike by stealing a base, making a leaping grab in center, and belting out the "Spirto Gentil" aria from Donizetti's La Favorita. "The sound of the ball coming off his bat and his vibrato on the 'M'appari' are both unmatched," said manager Fredi Gonzalez, comparing the outfielder to a young Ken Griffey, Jr. or Giuseppe Giacomini. "He's got all the tools: He can field, throw, run the bases, harmonize above the lead, hit for power, and hit for average. His swing is definitely still a little raw, but he's got the voice of a major leaguer. I swear, I melt every time." Gonzalez then sat back and listened to Maybin's rich, honeyed tenor emanating from the shower, took off his sunglasses, and began to weep.

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