adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

6-Tool Player Sings Like An Angel

Jupiter, FL—In a spring training game on Wednesday, Marlins outfield prospect Cameron Maybin continued to impress scouts and opposing players alike by stealing a base, making a leaping grab in center, and belting out the "Spirto Gentil" aria from Donizetti's La Favorita. "The sound of the ball coming off his bat and his vibrato on the 'M'appari' are both unmatched," said manager Fredi Gonzalez, comparing the outfielder to a young Ken Griffey, Jr. or Giuseppe Giacomini. "He's got all the tools: He can field, throw, run the bases, harmonize above the lead, hit for power, and hit for average. His swing is definitely still a little raw, but he's got the voice of a major leaguer. I swear, I melt every time." Gonzalez then sat back and listened to Maybin's rich, honeyed tenor emanating from the shower, took off his sunglasses, and began to weep.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close