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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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6-Year-Old Becomes First Child To Complete Solo Ride Around Block

SPRINGFIELD, MA—In a daring feat of circumnavigation never before attempted, 6-year-old Connor Damrush successfully completed a circuit of the 2500 block of Parker Drive early Saturday morning, silencing naysayers who had called it impossible. "We maintained walkie-talkie contact with him for most of the journey, but Connor went into radio silence shortly after turning onto Orchard Street," said Mission Control specialist Dougie O'Neill, 5. "It was tense for a few minutes there, but boy, did we all breathe a sigh of relief when we saw that red trike come around that corner." Among the sights Connor reported from the far side of the block were his school's flagpole, a Dunkin' Donuts sign, and a garbage truck.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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