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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.
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6-Year-Old Boy Thinks He Might Be Too Old To Be In Women's Locker Room

STAMFORD, CT—Admitting to a growing sense of unease, 6-year-old Zachary Barrett confided to reporters Monday that he might be getting too old to continue accompanying his mother into the women's locker room at the local gym. "I'm at that age now where every time I'm surrounded by grown, half-naked women I don't even know, I think to myself, 'What am I doing here? This isn't right,'" said Barrett, who called the situation "kind of creepy on a number of levels." "What's my mom thinking? I'm not three anymore, for God's sake—I know what's going on now, and frankly, I really don't appreciate standing around awkwardly for 10, 15 minutes trying to pretend I don't feel incredibly uncomfortable. What's worse, I can tell the women are starting to feel awkward being naked around me, too." Barrett later confirmed that while he was certain he didn't belong in the locker room, he could probably endure another visit if it meant catching one last glimpse of that yoga instructor's fantastic tits.

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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

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