adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
End Of Section
  • More News

60 Percent Of Local Man's Workday Spent On Sports Fandom

ST. LOUIS—Area resident Denny Wetzel, 29, dedicates 60 percent of his workday to the pursuit of sports fandom, sources reported Monday.

Wetzel catches up on his fantasy-football reading before lunch.

"Cards, Blues, Rams, and Bulls—those are my teams," said Wetzel, a project manager at Energis Information Networks. "I also have a soft spot in my heart for the Pack, since I lived in Wisconsin until I was 10, but if they're playing the Rams, I'm backing Kurt and the boys, no question."

Though Wetzel estimates that three-fifths of his workday is spent on sports, he acknowledges that the figure may actually be higher.

"I start the day with coffee and the sports page, of course," Wetzel said. "Then I listen to SportsCentral AM on KFNS while eating breakfast. After touching my signed J.D. Drew baseball, I'm off to the office, where I try to squeeze in a little work between visits to ESPN.com."

Aside from a small photo of his family on his desk, Wetzel's cubicle is largely decorated with sports memorabilia, including a Green Bay Packers helmet, St. Louis Blues team pictures, and a bobble-head doll of St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Albert Pujols. His desk features a state-of-the-art workstation in a hodgepodge of team colors.

Coworkers say Wetzel has smoothly integrated his fandom into his professional life. In addition to organizing office sports pools, hosting the annual Super Bowl party, and acting as commissioner of the office fantasy-baseball league, Wetzel is widely recognized as the person with whom any employee can talk sports.

"Denny is our go-to guy for helping clients develop tech-driven business-development strategies, or 'plays' as he calls them," said Don Hewson, Wetzel's supervisor at Energis. "And when it comes to sizing up the Rams' offseason personnel moves, Denny is unsurpassed."

While 60 percent of Wetzel's workday is devoted to fandom, a whopping 90 percent of his home life is devoted to sports-related pursuits.

"As soon as he gets home, it's SportsCenter during dinner, then whatever game is on," wife Julie said. "Then, it's usually an old game on ESPN Classic, or reading Sports Illustrated or the Street & Smith season-preview guides."

Wetzel said he makes an effort to devote any remaining non-sports time to his family.

"You know, we'll have some quality family time, because it's important," Wetzel said. "I'll go out and toss a ball with [son] Cameron, or huddle with Julie on the couch."

"I mean, cuddle," Wetzel added. "Cuddle with Julie."

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close