adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

60 Percent Of Local Man's Workday Spent On Sports Fandom

ST. LOUIS—Area resident Denny Wetzel, 29, dedicates 60 percent of his workday to the pursuit of sports fandom, sources reported Monday.

Wetzel catches up on his fantasy-football reading before lunch.

"Cards, Blues, Rams, and Bulls—those are my teams," said Wetzel, a project manager at Energis Information Networks. "I also have a soft spot in my heart for the Pack, since I lived in Wisconsin until I was 10, but if they're playing the Rams, I'm backing Kurt and the boys, no question."

Though Wetzel estimates that three-fifths of his workday is spent on sports, he acknowledges that the figure may actually be higher.

"I start the day with coffee and the sports page, of course," Wetzel said. "Then I listen to SportsCentral AM on KFNS while eating breakfast. After touching my signed J.D. Drew baseball, I'm off to the office, where I try to squeeze in a little work between visits to ESPN.com."

Aside from a small photo of his family on his desk, Wetzel's cubicle is largely decorated with sports memorabilia, including a Green Bay Packers helmet, St. Louis Blues team pictures, and a bobble-head doll of St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Albert Pujols. His desk features a state-of-the-art workstation in a hodgepodge of team colors.

Coworkers say Wetzel has smoothly integrated his fandom into his professional life. In addition to organizing office sports pools, hosting the annual Super Bowl party, and acting as commissioner of the office fantasy-baseball league, Wetzel is widely recognized as the person with whom any employee can talk sports.

"Denny is our go-to guy for helping clients develop tech-driven business-development strategies, or 'plays' as he calls them," said Don Hewson, Wetzel's supervisor at Energis. "And when it comes to sizing up the Rams' offseason personnel moves, Denny is unsurpassed."

While 60 percent of Wetzel's workday is devoted to fandom, a whopping 90 percent of his home life is devoted to sports-related pursuits.

"As soon as he gets home, it's SportsCenter during dinner, then whatever game is on," wife Julie said. "Then, it's usually an old game on ESPN Classic, or reading Sports Illustrated or the Street & Smith season-preview guides."

Wetzel said he makes an effort to devote any remaining non-sports time to his family.

"You know, we'll have some quality family time, because it's important," Wetzel said. "I'll go out and toss a ball with [son] Cameron, or huddle with Julie on the couch."

"I mean, cuddle," Wetzel added. "Cuddle with Julie."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close