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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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60-Year-Old Hippie Pitied By 40-Year-Old Punk

SAN FRANCISCO—After spotting Dave Coleman, a 60-year-old with a graying ponytail and a frayed Hot Tuna shirt sitting on a bench in Golden Gate Park, 40-year-old punk rocker Brian Patterson said Tuesday that he felt sorry for the aging hippie. "He's just living in the past when the world has obviously moved on," said the middle-aged Patterson, adjusting the spiked leather collar on his neck. "Guy needs to act his age, 'cause nobody cares about that shit from 20 years ago. God, what a sad, out-of-touch loser." According to nearby sources, both the 60-year-old hippie and the 40-year-old punk were later pitied by a 30-year-old raver sitting barefoot in the grass.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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