adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus

DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. A staple at the Iowa State Fair and part of a tradition dating back to 1911, the 5-and-a-half-foot-tall, non-homogenized-milk-fat sculpture of a grazing bovine received 64 percent of the vote, easily defeating opponents Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul. "For one thing, I’m more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow," said Iowa voter Horace Wright, who cited the creamy sculpture’s even demeanor, its pro-agriculture agenda, and the fact that it’s not Mitt Romney as his primary reasons for voting for it. "And second, looking at the rest of the field, I think at this point the butter cow is the Republican Party’s best shot at beating Obama in November." Exit polls revealed many caucus attendees considered Jon Huntsman, but ultimately concluded they didn’t want to waste their votes.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close