6,000 Runners Fail To Discover Cure For Breast Cancer

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Vol 37 Issue 41

Steve Vai Impresses The Hell Out Of Neighborhood Kids

GLENDALE, CA— Rock guitarist Steve Vai wowed a group of neighborhood children with his spectacular guitar pyrotechnics Monday. "His behind-the-head guitar solo was so wicked," said Jimmy Hetzel, 11, one of six children blown away by Vai's fretboard wizardry. "He also did this thing where he held the guitar between his legs and played it with a bow." The impromptu performance is believed to be the most impressive display of its kind since September 2000, when Joe Satriani "showed off a few licks" at a Southfield, MI, bar mitzvah.

Plan To Make Snacks Last Through Opening Credits Fails

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN— Despite his best intentions, moviegoer Brad Schuyler failed to make his snack supply last beyond the opening credits of Monsters, Inc. Monday. "The Harry Potter trailer came on, and I guess I just got excited," said Schuyler, 26, who took his last bite as the words "Written By Dan Gerson" appeared on the screen. "Maybe I should have bought more than a box of Sno-Caps and a 32-ounce Coke, but the stuff costs so much." Next time he sees a film, Schuyler said he will not start eating until the studio logo appears.

Argument About Capital Of Australia Occurs 10 Feet From Encyclopedia

ORD, NE— Brothers Jeff and Adam Clink spent 20 minutes fiercely debating the capital of Australia while standing 10 feet from the family's World Book encyclopedia Monday. "You're high," Jeff, 18, told Adam. "It's Sydney." Adam, who said he is "99.99 percent sure" that Melbourne is the capital, conceded that one city might be the capital of the Australian continent and the other the capital of the nation.

Ugly Man With Huge Penis Unsure How To Get The Word Out

AUBURN, ME— Overweight and balding Ira Groff, 37, is unsure how to get the word out about his 11-inch penis. "In theory, I could fumble around in my wallet for something and then—whoops!—an extra-large condom falls out," the acne-scarred Groff said Monday. "But that would come off as staged." Groff has also pondered wearing tighter pants, leaving penile-reduction-surgery brochures around his workspace, or sporting a button that reads, "Ask Me About My Huge Cock."

I Do So Adore The Adult Theatre

Ah, the adult theatre! As a discriminating patron of the adult arts, nothing compares to a night out enjoying the lights, glamour, and pelvic gyrations of the adult theatre. Each performance is a glorious release, filling me with the joy and elation that only high smut can deliver.

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

Last week, President Bush disclosed that Osama bin Laden has been trying to acquire nuclear weapons. What do you think of the possibility?

The Post-Office Crunch

Reeling from a post-Sept 11. drop in mail volume, the U.S Postal Service faces a $3 billion deficit. What is the USPS doing to imporove its bottom line?
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6,000 Runners Fail To Discover Cure For Breast Cancer

ATLANTA—Despite their diligent, dedicated running, the 6,000-plus participants in Sunday's 5K Race For The Cure did not find a cure for breast cancer.

Race For The Cure runners take off in search of a breast-cancer cure.

Hopes were high, given the excellent weather and record turnout for the 11th annual event, but no viable cure for the disease was discovered along the 3.1-mile course.

"We were particularly hopeful of locating the cure somewhere around the two-and-a-half-mile mark," race organizer Jill Broadbent said. "At that point, the route goes right past Northside Hospital and within a block of several Emory University oncology facilities. That seemed the most promising place to perhaps spot a breast-cancer cure. Regrettably, the runners were unable to do more than momentarily glimpse in researchers' windows as they passed by."

At 10 a.m., participants gathered outside the Georgia Dome and proceeded to search through much of downtown Atlanta, including a one-mile stretch of Peachtree Road, before finishing cureless at the state capitol.

Among those disappointed by Sunday's failed attempt was Gene Worth, a Germantown, TN, real-estate agent who drove 450 miles to participate in his seventh Race For The Cure.

"I worked out for three months, focusing my full energies on preparing for this race," Worth said. "I switched to a vegan macrobiotic diet just to be in top shape. Three kilometers in, I felt great, like this was going to be the year we cured it. I did break my personal 5K record, but even that wasn't enough. Then, after I crossed the finish line, I watched other racers finish, but they came in empty-handed, as well."

Broadbent was quick to dispute characterizations of the run as a failure.

"As we like to say, today brought us one 5K run closer to the cure," Broadbent said. "We may not have cured it yet, but one of these times, we will. When faced with a setback like this, we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and run another five kilometers."

Added Broadbent: "If even one patient went into remission as a result of thousands of people running around Atlanta, then it's all worth it."

The race was the latest disappointment in a dismal two-week stretch for athletic-based medical research. On Nov. 1 in Dallas, an estimated 3,000 cyclists were unable to isolate the portion of the human genome responsible for Alzheimer's disease. Three days later in Boston, some 200 rowers from 27 different colleges gathered on the Charles River in an unsuccessful attempt to eliminate AIDS. And a pair of Nov. 9 regattas in San Diego and Miami failed to cure cystic fibrosis and heart disease, respectively.

Runs against cancer and other diseases have been popular since 1976, when Olympic runner Bill Rodgers discovered the formula for Interferon Beta—effective in the treatment of multiple sclerosis—at the base of Nobska Point Lighthouse while running the Falmouth (MA) Road Race. Rodgers went on to win the Nobel Prize For Medicine for his discovery, despite losing the race itself to Alberto Salazar.

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