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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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62-Year-Old Colt Wins Belmont Stakes Senior Event

ELMONT, NY—Dark Star, the colt best known for his victory at the 1953 Kentucky Derby, made it to the winner's circle once again Friday, when the 62-year-old earned his fifth victory in the Senior Belmont Stakes. "He's not the kind of horse you're ever going to retire. He's a competitor," said jockey Felix Meneses, who led Dark Star to the win in a record 34 minutes and 19 seconds. "He tried to lie down and sleep there for a while on the backstretch, but once I got the whip into him, he was good to go. I mean, his breathing was kind of ragged and he was leaning against the rail the whole time, but he wanted this win, and he got it." Three of the 10 horses in the field, including 1941 Triple Crown winner Whirlaway, perished from exhaustion during the running.

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