63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal

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Vol 38 Issue 39

Man In Break Room Can Still Hear Time Clock Ticking Loudly

LA GRANDE, OR—Roundy's Food Store stocker Jim Creighton felt ominously watched over by an employee time clock Tuesday as, at exactly 12:13 a.m., it noisily "clunked" over to the second-to-last minute of Creighton's 15-minute break. "Well, two minutes to go," Creighton mumbled grimly to himself, attempting to savor the final precious scraps of leisure time doled out to him by his employer. "Maybe I should grab another Pepsi." Creighton then sighed and stared at the coffee machine for the next 111 seconds.

Linebacker Faces Suspension For Genocide

MINNEAPOLIS—In the latest legal complication for an NFL player, Minnesota Vikings linebacker Antwone Evans may receive a fine and possibly even a suspension for his role in the mass slaughter of the Lithuanian people in a Sunday pogrom. "In cruelly rounding up and exterminating more than three million Lithuanian men, women, and children, Evans seriously violated the behavior standard to which we hold all our employees," said NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. "We are currently deliberating on whether to suspend him pending the verdict of his U.N. tribunal."

Civil War Historians Posit 'You Had To Be There' Theory

ATLANTA—After years of conflicting approaches to interpreting the Civil War, a coalition of historians on Tuesday posited the non-specific theory that "you had to be there" to fully understand the complexities of the war. "It's not just a matter of 'Were the Southern forces as confident and dedicated as their Northern counterparts?' or 'Was Gettysburg the turning point?'" said conference chairman Shelby Foote. "The whole gist of the war is just hard to really get unless, you know, you were there and saw it happen." The coalition also advanced a theory that the Great Migration, wherein one million African-Americans moved to northern cities between 1915 and 1920, was "a black thing."

CEO Would Trade 5 Percent Of Stock Options For 10 Percent More Time With His Kids

HARTFORD, CT—Feeling sentimental Tuesday, Allied Plastics CEO Jonathan Mavre said he would gladly sacrifice a significant portion of his liquid assets for increased quality time with his children. "If I had the chance, I would give anything, even 5 percent of my ADM options, for an extra afternoon a week with Jacob and Lauren," Mavre said. "Of course, I'd be smarter to hedge by splitting the loss between ADM and Pepsico."

Prison Warden Appears On Leno With Some Of His Favorite Prisoners

BURBANK, CA—San Quentin State Prison warden Ron Ditmeier wowed Monday's Tonight Show audience by displaying some of his favorite prisoners. "Rufus here is what we call a Throat-Slashing Double-Lifer," Ditmeier said while showing off an inmate to host Jay Leno. "These distinctive markings mean he's a hardcore in the Crips." The educational segment provoked peals of laughter when an Encino Wife-Beater urinated on Leno's shoulder and stabbed him in the eye with a pen.

Ask A Third Party Candidate

Edgar Mayo Jr. is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A Third Party Candidate, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

Obesity On The Rise

The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think?
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63 Percent Of U.S. Implicated In New Scandal

WASHINGTON, DC—The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy.

Citizens implicated in the scandal conceal their faces on a New York City street Tuesday.

"It's staggering how far-reaching this is," SEC chairman Harvey Pitt said. "More than 175 million citizens from all walks of life are involved in one criminal imbroglio. Everybody from white-collar workers to grandmothers, boy-scout leaders, and the entire state of Delaware. Point a finger anywhere, and you have a better chance than not of hitting a guilty party."

According to the SEC, on Jan. 15, Jerome P. Lippman, vice-president of pharmaceutical giant Unocore Systems in Dallas, warned friends and business associates of a failed merger with Pfizer. The information was leaked by an as-yet-undetermined source, resulting in 98 percent of Unocore's stock being sold off on Jan. 16, one day prior to an official public announcement of the unsuccessful merger.

Pitt said the 2 percent of Unocore's stockholders who failed to sell off their stock faced massive financial losses.

"The stock went from $235 to 13 cents a share in half an hour," said Kyle Levey, an Arizona factory worker implicated in the scandal. "That's when I knew I wasn't the only one with insider information. Sure enough, pretty much everyone on my block was in on it, too. And everyone down at work. And everyone at church."

Due to the enormous amount of paperwork involved in the scandal, the precise details of who was involved and to what extent remains unknown. Prosecutors say time will fill in most of the blanks.

"Everyone even remotely involved will be subpoenaed," Pitt said. "We've been going state by state in alphabetical order to tell those implicated that they will be brought to court. We're only up to Arkansas, though."

In order to streamline the notification process, the Justice Department will scroll the names of implicated U.S. citizens on Court TV and CNN, as well as during NBC's Thursday-night "Must See TV" block. Those listed are encouraged to call the 800 number on the screen for further instructions on how to be legally summoned to court.

Karla Shugg, an Alaska florist and grandmother of five, responds to allegations of insider trading.

"This is going to take years," Pitt said. "We've had to hire nearly 52 million people, or about 19 percent of the population, just to answer phones."

With the economy already reeling from other corporate scandals and rising unemployment, the news could not have come at a worse time.

"Sure, some people are temporarily employed because of this," said economist Todd Langham, who was also implicated in the scandal. "But everyone else is tightening belts and fearing the worst. Millions are facing steep fines and possible jail time. They won't just get a slap on the wrist—unless they all get sprung on a technicality, that is."

Many citizens have expressed outrage at those charged in the scandal.

"It's just crazy," Chicago homemaker Mary Anders said shortly after Tuesday's announcement. "How so many people could be so greedy and corrupt is beyond me."

Anders was served a summons later that day.

Some implicated citizens are hoping their involvement goes unnoticed due to the enormity of the case, but prosecutors say they will diligently pursue all wrongdoers.

"It will take a while, but everyone involved will have to face Lady Justice," Pitt said. "Whether you sold one share or a thousand, using insider information for profit is illegal, and you will be prosecuted. I would recommend that the millions of people involved all chip in for a really good lawyer."

As of press time, the remaining 175,145,456 citizens implicated in the scandal had no comment.

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