64 Percent Of U.S. Population Now Working For Manpower

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 04

Zapp Institute Adjusts Bounce/Ounce Ratio

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by the sharp decline in overall U.S. rump-shaking levels in the past 12 months, Zapp Institute director Dr. Roger Troutman announced Monday that the federal bounce/ounce ratio will be raised to four-to-one effective March 1. "The American people can not adequately get down if they do not receive more bounce to the ounce," Troutman said. "Hopefully, by increasing per capita BPOs, or bounces-per-ounce, to four-to-one, the Zapp Institute will help Americans to once again get their groove on."

Psychic-Phone-Line Customer Used To Be Closed-Minded Just Like Her Friends

DETROIT—Detroit-area receptionist Nadine Jackson announced Monday that, after years of being closed-minded like her friends, she has finally come to realize that the Caring Psychic Family Network is an amazing psychic service that really works. "Now listen here, honey," said Jackson, swaying her head from side-to-side in a sassy, authoritative manner, "I used to be skeptical about 1-900 hotlines just like my friends. But let me tell you, the Caring Psychic Family Network is different. Their expert psychics' predictions really work!" Jackson said she will pray each night for the souls of her misguided, non-believing friends.

Last Remaining Novelist Dies In Captivity

COLUMBUS, OH—Cultural zoologists are mourning the extinction of a species following Monday’s passing of novelist John Updike. The last living novelist, Updike died in his cage at the Columbus Zoo. "We will greatly miss Mr. Updike, to whom many of our trainers and feeders grew very attached," zoo director Cheryl Berner said. "Columbus Zoo visitors of all ages loved to watch him hunch over his typewriter, furiously pressing the little keys." Berner said the zoo had tried for several years to mate Updike—known for his long fictional books called "novels" (KNAW-vuls)—with female ad-copy writers, cartoonists and screenwriters, but were unsuccessful. "At one point, we tried to procure a sperm sample from Mr. Updike to inseminate People magazine managing editor Jane Lowery, but he became enraged and violent when approached,” Berner said.

Abortion Issue ‘Most Critical Of Our Time,’ Say Tobacco-Industry Executives

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—At its quarterly meeting Wednesday, the National Association of Tobacco Growers declared abortion "the most critical issue of our time," resolving to significantly increase public awareness and discussion of it. "There are many controversial issues in America, but none more controversial than abortion," NATG president Buddy Ott said. "It is a highly volatile, complex issue and, as such, it deserves a tremendous amount of attention and scrutiny from the American public and media."

Swiss Threaten Ricola Embargo

BERN, SWITZERLAND—Angered by rising international tariffs against his nation, Swiss president Gunter Klima threatened a worldwide Ricola embargo Tuesday. "If these unfair tariffs are not lifted," Klima said, "we will have no choice but to withhold our natural Alpine-herb throat lozenges, causing billions of throats across the globe to go tragically unsoothed." An estimated 2.1 billion people rely on Swiss menthol for their throat-calming needs.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

64 Percent Of U.S. Population Now Working For Manpower

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 64 percent of the nation's work force is currently employed in a "temp" capacity by Manpower employment agency.

Job Focus

"With more than 150 million Americans working for Manpower, we truly are a nation of temps," said Labor Secretary Alexis Herman, who in 1996 was placed by Manpower in the top Labor Department spot after Robert Reich vacated the post to accept a three-week data/word-processing assignment in a Hartford, CT, actuarial firm.

Experts attribute Manpower's success to its ability to supply U.S. companies with competent full-time workers who do not have to be given the same social and financial considerations as actual employees.

"Regular, full-time workers can be extremely expensive. You've got to give them health insurance, retirement benefits, sick pay, vacation pay—it's all a tremendous financial drain on a company," said Russell Eglington of Cornell University's Institute of Labor Relations. "That's why so many corporations are turning to Manpower. They've got people who can perform like actual employees but don't have to be well-treated like actual employees."

Sheila Wunsch, human-resources director for Systech Consolidated, a Dallas-based computer-consulting firm, said her company uses Manpower for all its staffing needs, from janitors to secretaries to departmental vice-presidents.

"One great advantage of using Manpower," Wunsch said, "is that you don't have to build relationships with the workers they supply, because, even if they're there for months or years, they're not technically company employees. I can't begin to tell you how refreshing it is to work with people you can ignore, people you don't have to smile at when you see them around the office."

Among the types of jobs Manpower fills: data entry, bookkeeping, clerical, telemarketing, freight-handling, maintenance, landscaping, engineering, teaching, rape-crisis counseling, commercial-jet-piloting, and open-heart surgery.

"I've been temping at Mt. Sinai Hospital for two years now, 60 hours a week," said Emily Schreiber, 23, of White Plains, NY. "Mostly, they've got me doing appendectomies, but I also do bypasses every now and then. It's a pretty good job, as temping goes: I make $9.75 per hour and get a full hour for lunch. Before this, I was doing typing and filing in a law office. Now that was boring."

According to the Labor Department report, by 2005, 99.97 percent of the U.S. workforce will be temping for Manpower. The other .03 percent, the report said, will consist of the owners of corporations using Manpower for their staffing needs, as well as Harlan Bruckner, owner and CEO of Manpower. By 2005, Manpower's own staff is expected to grow to 17.5 million employees, all of whom will be temp workers assigned by Manpower to work for the company itself.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More