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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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66-Year-Old 'Washington Post' Reporter Hopes He Liveblogged State Of The Union Right

WASHINGTON—Following his coverage of the president’s State of the Union address Tuesday night, Washington Post senior reporter Ed Karl, 66, said he’s just going to hope he liveblogged the speech correctly, sources confirmed. “The page is pretty long, so I think I did enough posts—how many posts are these things supposed to have again?” Karl, a reporter and political correspondent for the national newspaper since 1971, said to colleagues as he scrolled over a 300-word entry entitled “#SOTU 2013: Best Ways to Watch.” “I tried to put a bunch of photos and updates on there, plus some tweets and jiffs or whatever. I don’t know. Looks like a liveblog to me.” At press time, editors had commended Karl on his work and encouraged him to link to it on his Facebook page.

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