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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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6th-Grade Teacher Seen Making Out With GameStop Dude

BETHESDA, MD—Multiple reports Monday morning indicated that Van Buren Middle School teacher Ms. Emeling was totally seen making out with that dude from GameStop with the big sideburns. “We were at the movie theater, and there’s my teacher waiting in line for tickets with the guy from GameStop—and then he just started going to town on her,” said sixth-grader Max Werner, grimacing as he confirmed that they were kissing with tongue. “Are they dating or something? How does she even know him? She can’t have an Xbox. Ms. Emeling’s, like, almost 30.” During recess today, sixth-grade students reportedly gathered to discuss which of them would ask their teacher if she could get them an advance copy of Call Of Duty: Black Ops II.

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