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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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7-Eleven Shareholders Approve Sale Of Busch Light Six-Pack

DALLAS—A majority of 7-Eleven shareholders approved a $4.35 buyout offer Tuesday from Dean Lindell, 23, for a six-pack of Busch Light beer. "It took a bit longer than expected to hammer out the legal details of the deal," said 7-Eleven CEO Joseph DePinto, referring to a momentary impasse that was resolved when Lindell provided documentation proving he was of drinking age. "But we were able to successfully close on it, and I'm happy to report 7-Eleven is currently in talks with a woman from Newark for an as-yet undetermined amount of beef jerky." Some shareholders opposed to the deal claim 7-Eleven was shortchanged when Lindell siphoned funds from the take-a-penny, leave-a-penny tray to complete the sale.

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