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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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7-Eleven Shareholders Approve Sale Of Busch Light Six-Pack

DALLAS—A majority of 7-Eleven shareholders approved a $4.35 buyout offer Tuesday from Dean Lindell, 23, for a six-pack of Busch Light beer. "It took a bit longer than expected to hammer out the legal details of the deal," said 7-Eleven CEO Joseph DePinto, referring to a momentary impasse that was resolved when Lindell provided documentation proving he was of drinking age. "But we were able to successfully close on it, and I'm happy to report 7-Eleven is currently in talks with a woman from Newark for an as-yet undetermined amount of beef jerky." Some shareholders opposed to the deal claim 7-Eleven was shortchanged when Lindell siphoned funds from the take-a-penny, leave-a-penny tray to complete the sale.

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