After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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7-Year-Old Loses Respect For Shrek After Seeing Him In Burger King Commercial

KANSAS CITY, MO—Cale Parnell, 7, said Monday that he no longer holds Shrek in high regard, ever since the green ogre started appearing in TV ads for Burger King Kids Meals. "Shrek just wants to sell things and make money," Parnell said. "He doesn't care if kids like me are having fun." Parnell added that Shrek is "just like that stupid money-grubber SpongeBob SquarePants."

After Birth

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