adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

70 Percent of Americans In Favor of Watching Iraq Get Bombed on TV

WASHINGTON, DC—In what Clinton Administration officials are calling "a people’s mandate" for military action against Iraq, a Time/CNN poll released Monday found that 70 percent of Americans are in favor of watching U.S. air strikes against Iraq on TV. While an overwhelming percentage of Americans are "very supportive" of televised prime-time bombings of Iraq, 91 percent "strongly disapproved" of Thursday-night bombings, unless they were to take place during the half-hour between Seinfeld and ER. Additionally, 43 percent of those polled said the U.S. should bomb Iraq on PBS’s NewsHour With Jim Lehrer "only as a last resort." Thirty-six percent said they would enjoy eating a nice, big meal while watching smart bombs fall on Iraqi targets, while 42 percent said they would prefer a light snack, ideally pretzels, and a beverage. Only 6 percent said they would prefer to watch the bombings with no food or drink at all. Said Secretary of State Madeleine Albright: "Americans are clearly in support of President Clinton’s plan, so long as it is broadcast between 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. EST and features spectacular explosions."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close