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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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70 Percent of Americans In Favor of Watching Iraq Get Bombed on TV

WASHINGTON, DC—In what Clinton Administration officials are calling "a people’s mandate" for military action against Iraq, a Time/CNN poll released Monday found that 70 percent of Americans are in favor of watching U.S. air strikes against Iraq on TV. While an overwhelming percentage of Americans are "very supportive" of televised prime-time bombings of Iraq, 91 percent "strongly disapproved" of Thursday-night bombings, unless they were to take place during the half-hour between Seinfeld and ER. Additionally, 43 percent of those polled said the U.S. should bomb Iraq on PBS’s NewsHour With Jim Lehrer "only as a last resort." Thirty-six percent said they would enjoy eating a nice, big meal while watching smart bombs fall on Iraqi targets, while 42 percent said they would prefer a light snack, ideally pretzels, and a beverage. Only 6 percent said they would prefer to watch the bombings with no food or drink at all. Said Secretary of State Madeleine Albright: "Americans are clearly in support of President Clinton’s plan, so long as it is broadcast between 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. EST and features spectacular explosions."

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