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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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76ers Ask Knicks If They Want To Be In Rivalry With Them

PHILADELPHIA—Considering the teams share a division, come from major metropolitan areas in relative proximity to one another, and the fact that it would just be nice to have a little something extra to play for, the Philadelphia 76ers reportedly asked the New York Knicks to be their rivals Monday. "Could be kind of fun, right?" said 76ers forward Elton Brand, adding that his team can be the rivalry's underdog or vice versa, it doesn't really matter to him. "I don't know, maybe during our next game one of us can foul you hard, and then you can get up in our faces and taunt our fans later on in the game? It doesn't matter how it starts. We'll make sure to say we hate you at the post-game press conference. You know, like a rivalry. We think people are really going to get into this." Upon seeing new Knicks star Carmelo Anthony walk into the room, the 76ers pushed a reluctant Andre Iguodala up to him and forced Iguodala to brashly guarantee a win the next time they play.

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