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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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76ers Ask Knicks If They Want To Be In Rivalry With Them

PHILADELPHIA—Considering the teams share a division, come from major metropolitan areas in relative proximity to one another, and the fact that it would just be nice to have a little something extra to play for, the Philadelphia 76ers reportedly asked the New York Knicks to be their rivals Monday. "Could be kind of fun, right?" said 76ers forward Elton Brand, adding that his team can be the rivalry's underdog or vice versa, it doesn't really matter to him. "I don't know, maybe during our next game one of us can foul you hard, and then you can get up in our faces and taunt our fans later on in the game? It doesn't matter how it starts. We'll make sure to say we hate you at the post-game press conference. You know, like a rivalry. We think people are really going to get into this." Upon seeing new Knicks star Carmelo Anthony walk into the room, the 76ers pushed a reluctant Andre Iguodala up to him and forced Iguodala to brashly guarantee a win the next time they play.

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