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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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8-Year-Old Little Leaguer, 31-Year-Old Professional Given Same Hitting Advice

PHILADELPHIA—8-year-old Easton, PA Little Leaguer Tyler Jenson and 31-year-old professional baseball player Pat Burrell were given identical tips on improving their swings and properly hitting a baseball Monday night. "Remember to keep your elbow up, keep your knees bent, and keep your eye on the ball," said both 45-year-old hardware-store manager and father of three Dale Kremke and retired Major League Baseball veteran of 18 years Milt Thompson to the two struggling hitters. "Watch the ball out of the pitcher's hand, and just meet the ball with the bat. Come on, now, just takes one." Both Burrell and Jenson struck out in their next at bat and returned to their respective dugouts in tears.

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