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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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$80 Million Movie Scrapped After Footage Reveals Brad Pitt Had Spinach Stuck In Teeth For Entire Film

LOS ANGELES—Director Andrew Dominik announced Saturday that he was forced to scrap a new $80 million motion picture after reviewing footage and finding that the film's star, Brad Pitt, had a piece of spinach wedged between his front teeth throughout the three-month shoot. "It's unfortunate, because Brad's performance was so great," said Dominik, explaining that the spinach was visible in every scene in which Pitt opens his mouth. "We tried to salvage it by adding a brief prologue before the credits where he's eating a bowl of spinach, but it's still too distracting, particularly because of all the scenes where his fellow actors rub their tongues over their teeth and slyly point at their mouths." Earlier in postproduction, Dominik noticed that Mary-Louise Parker had mustard smeared on her face, but that problem was quickly solved by digitally inserting hot dogs into her hands every time she appeared on screen.

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