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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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$80 Million Movie Scrapped After Footage Reveals Brad Pitt Had Spinach Stuck In Teeth For Entire Film

LOS ANGELES—Director Andrew Dominik announced Saturday that he was forced to scrap a new $80 million motion picture after reviewing footage and finding that the film's star, Brad Pitt, had a piece of spinach wedged between his front teeth throughout the three-month shoot. "It's unfortunate, because Brad's performance was so great," said Dominik, explaining that the spinach was visible in every scene in which Pitt opens his mouth. "We tried to salvage it by adding a brief prologue before the credits where he's eating a bowl of spinach, but it's still too distracting, particularly because of all the scenes where his fellow actors rub their tongues over their teeth and slyly point at their mouths." Earlier in postproduction, Dominik noticed that Mary-Louise Parker had mustard smeared on her face, but that problem was quickly solved by digitally inserting hot dogs into her hands every time she appeared on screen.

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