'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch

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Vol 37 Issue 02

Toilet-Paper Edge Given Classy Appearance With Triangular Fold

MISSOULA, MT–A roll of Charmin bathroom tissue in Room 316 of a Missoula Motel 6 was imbued with a regal air Monday when the maid service folded the edge of the first sheet into an eye-pleasing triangle. "I felt like a pampered duchess," motel guest Rachel Spencer said. "That's what I call 'living the high life.'" Spencer also gushed about the Motel 6 matchbook propped up in the center of a sparkling-clean ashtray.

Explosion Used To Signify Big Savings

WORCESTER, MA–In an ad for Kearns Home & Garden Center in Monday's Worcester Telegram & Gazette, a violent explosion was used as a visual metaphor for low prices on thousands of items throughout the store. "Don't miss our once-a-year 'Explosion Of Savings' event," read the ad, which equated the destructive detonation of trinitrotoluene (TNT) with great savings on everything from Black & Decker wet-dry vacs to tulip bulbs. "Start the new year with a 'bang' of a bargain!"

Bunch Of People Apparently Saw That Brendan Fraser Mummy Movie

SACRAMENTO, CA–A lot of people apparently saw that Brendan Fraser mummy movie, area resident Bill Whited said to himself Monday while watching a trailer for The Mummy Returns. "Wow, I guess a bunch of people out there saw that thing," Whited said of 1999's The Mummy. "I vaguely remember it being in theaters for a few weeks, but I guess it was big. What's next, The Whole Nine Yards II?" A sequel to 1999's The Whole Nine Yards is currently in pre-production at Paramount.

White House Guidance Counselor Recommends Clinton Consider Career In Hotel Management

WASHINGTON, DC–At his mandatory post-presidency appointment with White House guidance counselor Larry Schecht, Bill Clinton was encouraged to consider a career in hotel management Monday. "Your Myers Briggs score suggests you would do well in a variety of job fields," Schecht told Clinton. "You could be anything from an architect to a food scientist, but your strong people skills indicate you would make an ideal hotel manager." To learn more about the field, Schecht recommended that Clinton set up informational interviews at some Washington-area hotels, as well as complete the exercises in the book What Color Is Your Parachute?

Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage

Times are tough, no question. There have been more layoffs in the past six months here at ProVantage Solutions than in the previous five years combined. Salaries have not increased to match inflation. Revenues have fallen off sharply. I do not need to tell you that the road ahead looks long and dark. But be brave, my friends: There is light at the end of the tunnel. Through it all, somehow, we will middle-manage.
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'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch

WASHINGTON, DC–Remember SDI, deregulation, and tax cuts? The new administration does. That's right, '80s retro fever is sweeping the executive branch, with President Bush and his nostalgia-crazed colleagues going wild for the people and policies of that "totally tubular" decade.

George W. Bush and members of his '80s-themed administration.

"The '80s were so awesome," said Bush, grabbing a handful of Jelly Bellys from a jar on his Oval Office desk. "They had, like, the best policies back then, like trickle-down economics and communist containment. And the Cabinet members were the coolest: Ed Meese, Caspar Weinberger, George Shultz. I'm so totally going to find a position for Donald Regan in my administration."

Bush has already begun indulging his love of all things '80s, nominating James Watt for Secretary of the Interior.

"Remember in '83, when Watt didn't want The Beach Boys to play that Fourth Of July party because he said they were unwholesome?" Bush asked. "And then when he said the thing about his staff having a black, a woman, two Jews, and a cripple? That was hilarious."

Nearby, vice-president and fellow '80s-lover Dick Cheney reclined on a couch. "You know who else we should nominate?" Cheney asked. "Robert Bork for Supreme Court!"

"Bork? Who's that?" Bush responded. "Oh, wait–that's the arch-conservative judge with the funny little chin beard, right? God, I totally forgot about that guy! Yeah, we should definitely nominate him!"

Bush also tapped Donna Rice for White House press secretary but retracted the offer when he realized he was thinking of Fawn Hall.

"I always get those two confused," Bush told Cheney. "I know one was with Oliver North and the shredder, and the other was with Gary Hart and the Monkey Business, but I forget which was which. Then there's Jessica Hahn. She was the one with Jim Bakker, right? Or was it Jimmy Swaggart? Anyway, I want the Ollie North gal."

Bush praised Hall, calling her "a major-league babe." Cheney affirmed the appraisal, saying, "Yeah, big-time."

Though too young to remember much of the decade, Bush nevertheless said he had "tons of fun" in the '80s.

"Once, when I was 36, my dad took me to the CIA to meet William Casey," Bush said. "It was one of the best days of my life: I got to watch a National Security Council meeting. Then, afterwards, Mr. Casey let me sit in his big leather chair. Even though I was really young at the time, I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday."

Bush shows off one of his many '80s-retro T-shirts.

"Even the enemies were cooler in the '80s," Bush continued. "Back then, there was Russia, Libya, and Iran. Now, those were some bad guys. What do we have today? North Korea? How lame is that?"

"Know what else was awesome about the '80s? The respect for human life," said Bush, sporting a retro "Choose Life" T-shirt, made popular by George Michael during his Wham! days. "This is the same one [Michael] wore during the 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' video."

Bush has vowed to pursue a number of '80s-retro initiatives while in office, including a revival of the Star Wars missile-defense system, the firing of 12,000 air-traffic controllers, and a boycott of the 2004 Summer Olympics. He is also organizing a Hands Across America event for later this year to commemorate the 15th anniversary of the 1986 original.

"As a uniter, not a divider, I recognize the importance of feel-good gestures like Hands Across America, USA For Africa, and that 'That's What Friends Are For' song," Bush said. "Back in the '80s, people used to come together and lend a hand to those in need. It's important to make the occasional token effort toward helping others."

Added Bush: "We also need more Americans like New Jersey's own Bruce Springsteen, in whose songs live the hopes and dreams of every one of us."

On Monday, in his first official act as president, Bush showed his love for the '80s by issuing pardons to convicted Wall Street figures Ivan Boesky and Michael Milken, as well as John DeLorean and Claus von Bulow. He also pledged $240 million in federal tax breaks to Union Carbide, whose Bhopal, India, chemical plant was the site of a 1984 chemical disaster that Bush "totally remembers."

Later in the day, Bush suffered his first retro international-relations gaffe, when, during an official greeting to the people of China, he said, "We begin bombing in five minutes." Bush apologized, explaining that he was only joking and did not realize the microphone was on.

Though committed to leading America into the future, Bush said he can't help but wish he could have been president back in the decade of Pac-Man, skinny ties, and illegal arms deals with Nicaragua.

"Man, that would've been so cool to be the leader of the free world back then," Bush said. "I was born 15 years too late."

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