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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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83-Year-Old Sneaks Into 65-To-80 Singles Dance

APPLETON, WI—Claude Winters, 83, falsified his age Saturday to gain admission to a dance for singles aged 65 to 80 at the Appleton VFW. "The girls at the over-80 dances are so old-fashioned," said Winters, eyeing a shapely 68-year-old widow across the dance floor. "When I go produce shopping, I want my vegetables, you know, fresh." Winters stressed he is not "some cradle-robbing pervert looking for pre-menopausal women."

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