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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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83rd Birthday Party Stretches Definition Of Party

JACKSON, MI–An 83rd birthday party for Hilldale Nursing Home resident Abraham Porter stretched the definition of the word "party" Monday. "Yes, there was food and music and gifts and people gathered for the purpose of celebrating, so, technically, it was a party," said Lydia Marks, the ailing Porter's great-grand-niece. "But it felt like something else altogether." The highlight of the affair, Marks said, was when Porter recognized his only son.

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