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Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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'85 Bears Visit To White House Marred By Former Players Tracking Dog Shit Everywhere

WASHINGTON—After waiting nearly 26 years to attend a White House ceremony in recognition of their Super Bowl XX victory, the 1985 Bears met with President Obama last week, a visit that was marred by the dog-shit-caked former Chicago players smearing feces all over the place. “I wanted to do something nice and finally honor the team, but this was a terrible mistake,” said Obama, adding that the entire West Wing now reeks of dog shit. “They somehow managed to get dog shit on the curtains, the walls, my desk, an oil painting of James K. Polk, and even the Bears jersey they presented to me. I really should have listened to my advisers on this one.” As of press time, White House officials confirmed that much of the supposed dog shit was actually human excrement belonging to retired quarterback Jim McMahon.

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