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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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'85 Bears Visit To White House Marred By Former Players Tracking Dog Shit Everywhere

WASHINGTON—After waiting nearly 26 years to attend a White House ceremony in recognition of their Super Bowl XX victory, the 1985 Bears met with President Obama last week, a visit that was marred by the dog-shit-caked former Chicago players smearing feces all over the place. “I wanted to do something nice and finally honor the team, but this was a terrible mistake,” said Obama, adding that the entire West Wing now reeks of dog shit. “They somehow managed to get dog shit on the curtains, the walls, my desk, an oil painting of James K. Polk, and even the Bears jersey they presented to me. I really should have listened to my advisers on this one.” As of press time, White House officials confirmed that much of the supposed dog shit was actually human excrement belonging to retired quarterback Jim McMahon.

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