85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

85 Percent Of U.S. Cole Slaw Remains Uneaten

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the Department of Sides and Garnishes, 85 percent of U.S. cole slaw is never consumed. "Extensive surveying of restaurant bus tubs and waste bins indicates that for every 120 tons of slaw produced, only 18 tons end up being eaten," the study reported. The study focused exclusively on U.S. restaurants, as there is no evidence that anyone has ever made cole slaw for home consumption.