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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based

DULUTH, MN—Stating that the man is rarely able to reflect on events from earlier in his life without visibly wincing, sources confirmed Monday that 87 percent of local medical claims processor Tyler Collins’ memories are rooted in the emotions of shame, humiliation, and guilt. According to accounts, nearly nine-tenths of all recollections Collins brings to mind, including moments from his first relationship, proposals he made at a recent work meeting, and comments uttered in sophomore-year English class, instantly flood the 37-year-old’s mind with the same feelings of regret and self-disgust that were present when he first experienced those situations days or years ago. Sources added that the 87-percent figure applies to Collins’ entire store of memories, and that the number is actually above 90 percent for the subset of memories he developed between seventh and 11th grade, roughly 93 percent for those pertaining to job interviews, and nearly 100 percent in cases of his attempted social interactions with women he has found physically attractive. At press time, reports confirmed that Collins had paused what he was doing, closed his eyes, and began rubbing his left temple while berating himself softly under his breath.

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