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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

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8th-Grade Health Class Squirms Throughout Entire Screening Of 'Miracle Of Abortion'

Students at Thomas E. Dewey Middle School were disturbed by an early scene in which the father drops the mother off for her abortion and drives away.
Students at Thomas E. Dewey Middle School were disturbed by an early scene in which the father drops the mother off for her abortion and drives away.

CANTON, MI—According to sources at Thomas E. Dewey Middle School, all 26 students in Mrs. Flannery’s fifth-period health class squirmed uncomfortably and grimaced in disgust Thursday throughout the screening of a 45-minute educational video titled The Miracle Of Abortion.

Sources reported that the film, which uses actual footage of one woman’s abortion experience—from contacting a provider, to entering the facility, to induced dilation and suction-aspiration, to disposal—was shown to the anxious and embarrassed students on a large television set that had been wheeled in from the AV department.

“It was so sick,” said 13-year-old Ethan Grimm, stating that he felt queasy and could barely eat lunch after watching the video. “When it came out, it was all slimy and such a gross color. Ugh.”

“We’ve all heard about how abortions work, but I didn’t expect it to be so disgusting in real life,” Grimm added.

During the video’s first 20 minutes, as the patient and various surgical tools were prepped for the procedure, the only noise reportedly made by the students was the sound of anxious fidgeting as they repositioned themselves in their seats. While many grew red in the face and giggled audibly at the first sight of the woman’s genitals, the chuckles are said to have quickly turned into gasps and groans of revulsion as the film approached its climactic scene of embryo evacuation.

Class members confirmed that ever since the sixth grade, the inevitable prospect of watching The Miracle Of Abortion had filled them with a sense of dread and nervous anticipation, as they had heard disturbing, yet intriguing, tales from older students about the highly graphic nature of the video, including ominous mentions of placentas, speculums, and an electric pump.

According to reports, the level of anxiety in Mrs. Flannery’s class began rising earlier this week when students began a sex-education unit on unwanted pregnancy. Later, after watching the video, the eighth-graders unanimously agreed that the simple line drawings in the “Abortion” chapter of their health class textbook had not prepared them for the real footage and graphic scenes depicted in the film.

“I couldn’t even watch when they showed the doctor examining the uterine contents,” said Jessica Coleman, 13, noting that the whole process appeared unbearable to her. “I think I still want to have a kid aborted when I get older, but after watching this video, I think I’ll only have one.”

In spite of the class’s overwhelming negative response, numerous sources confirmed that one student, 14-year-old Travis Wesson, appeared “totally into” the video, leaning in toward the screen and never once averting his eyes.

In both the moments leading up to and immediately following the screening of the film, health teacher Diane Flannery, 53, is said to have reminded the unsettled students that the events depicted on screen were 100 percent real, and simply a natural part of life and sexual behavior.

“Every year, there’s a lot of uneasiness when I show this video,” Flannery said. “I recognize it’s uncomfortable for kids their age to watch, but as they start to become aware of their own sexuality, it’s important they see what actually happens to the female body during abortion.”

“They’re going to have to learn about it some time,” Flannery continued. “And while they may find abortion unpleasant now, I always assure them that when they become sexually active adults and start thinking more about their own lives and children, they’ll realize what a true miracle it is.”

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