8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 04

North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon

In response to recently imposed U.N. sanctions, North Korea vowed to conduct its third test of a nuclear weapon, warning of confrontation with its proclaimed “arch-enemy” the United States.

Study Exposes Risks Of Conducting Research While Driving

NASA continues its search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, Prince Harry announces that he killed some Taliban-looking people during his tour of duty, and a copy of 'The Scarlet Letter'' can't believe the notes a high schooler is writing in its mar...

Friday, February 1

For all those interested in Tami Macon’s newly developed B-cups, a viewing has been scheduled for 5 p.m.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Small Business

8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event

WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization. “Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!” At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More