After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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9-Pound Infant Barrels Way Down Birth Canal

IDAHO SPRINGS, CO—Described by medical personnel as "a real whopper," a 9-pound infant came hurtling down the birth canal of 27-year-old Jennifer Pischke like a bat out of hell Monday. "Fire in the hole!" obstetrician Karen Mobley screamed as the infant careened off the sides of Pischke's fully dilated cervix like a Comanche on the warpath. "This little cannonball's ready to blow. Gangway!" At press time, the baby, nicknamed Herbert "Heads Up, Idaho Springs, We Got a Full-Throttle Runaway Locomotive on Our Hands" Pischke, was resting comfortably in a bassinet.

After Birth

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