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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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90% Of Audience At College Graduation Involved In Heated Family Argument

BETHLEHEM, PA—With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to who was to blame for arriving late to the ceremony, over 90 percent of the audience members at Lehigh University’s graduation ceremony are currently involved in a heated family argument, campus sources are reporting. “Shh! Pay attention. This isn’t about you,” nearly all the parents of graduating seniors told their younger children prior to a family squabble over how to use the camera’s zoom function and then another about why their graduating sons or daughters didn’t better explain where they would be sitting during the ceremony. “Goddamnit, if you didn’t want to sit all the way back here you should have gotten ready on time. Honey, did you figure out where we’re meeting after?” Following the ceremony, 8 in 10 parents are expected to start another argument by asking their graduated children why they didn’t get honors and all their friends did.

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