adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

90% Of Audience At College Graduation Involved In Heated Family Argument

BETHLEHEM, PA—With numerous disagreements on topics ranging from who was supposed to make dinner reservations, to the unexpected high cost of the hotel, to who was to blame for arriving late to the ceremony, over 90 percent of the audience members at Lehigh University’s graduation ceremony are currently involved in a heated family argument, campus sources are reporting. “Shh! Pay attention. This isn’t about you,” nearly all the parents of graduating seniors told their younger children prior to a family squabble over how to use the camera’s zoom function and then another about why their graduating sons or daughters didn’t better explain where they would be sitting during the ceremony. “Goddamnit, if you didn’t want to sit all the way back here you should have gotten ready on time. Honey, did you figure out where we’re meeting after?” Following the ceremony, 8 in 10 parents are expected to start another argument by asking their graduated children why they didn’t get honors and all their friends did.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close