'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today

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Vol 39 Issue 19

Man Adds A Few Personalized Tracks To Standard New-Girlfriend Mix CD

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Wanting to add something special for new love Danielle Welter, Andy Mansfield, 24, burned three personalized tracks Monday onto his standard new-girlfriend mix CD. "Danielle loves that No Doubt song 'Running,' so I threw that on there just for her," Mansfield said. "And she doesn't really like rap, which [previous girlfriend] Erica [Hollings] loved, so I took off [Salt-N-Pepa's] 'Whatta Man' and replaced it with two Aretha Franklin songs, because Danielle loves the oldies." Mansfield said he expects Welter to love the mix "even more than Erica did, maybe even as much as Christine."

Circus Runaway Not Looking Forward To Hometown Show

SACRAMENTO, CA—Michael MacAlester, who ran away from his native Sacramento at 16 to join the circus, is not looking forward to the Big Top Circus' show this Friday in his hometown. "The idea of getting the hell out of Sacramento and joining a traveling circus was really exciting, but I guess I should've thought to check the schedule," MacAlester, 18, a unicycling clown, said Monday. "I asked the ringmaster if I could possibly sit this one out, but he said no way." MacAlester said he plans to wear extra-heavy make-up in case his parents happen to be in attendance.

Podiatrist A Jerk

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—Podiatrist Dr. Don Smithson is a "big jerk" who "talks down to you like you're an idiot," patient Greg Lindblad reported Tuesday. "Dr. Smithson totally scolded me for not cutting my toenails straight across—he says the ingrown toenail is my own fault," Lindblad said. "Pardon me, Dr. Smithson. My life should revolve around maintaining proper foot care. What a dick." Lindblad also claimed Smithson "completely chewed [him] out" for allowing his bunions to go untreated.

Systems Administrator Would So Fuck New Trainee

TUCSON, AZ—Speaking in confidence to coworker Brian Panos, Barton Financial Group systems administrator Tim Kreutzer revealed Tuesday that, given the chance, he would "so fuck" new office trainee Lisa Hartig, 23. "Tim was staring at Lisa from across the office floor when he dropped the bombshell that he would so fuck her," Panos said. "Obviously, I was stunned. I mean, how often do you come across a balding 51-year-old tech professional who's willing to sleep with a nubile blonde? Wow."

Yo, Don't Judge

Y'all may not realize this, but tha Accountz Reeceevin' bruthahood be forced to live in two worlds: tha supafly world o' officin' an' tha bleak-ass world of all y'all amateurs. And it ain't easy. When punchout time roll around, there be a lot o' A.R. bruthahs who don't know what to do with theyselves. Sometimes, they go to Chiliz or Applebeez, but them places be full of playa-hatas who don't approve of tha reeceevin' lifestyle, and in no time, suckaz start flexin'.

Bird Has Big Plans For Cage

HENNIKER, NH—Charlie, a Henniker-area cockatiel, announced Tuesday that he has big plans for his new stainless-steel birdcage. "Let's see—I'm gonna hang the bell from the ceiling and put my seed trough on the right wall. And I'm finally gonna get one of those rolling perches, now that I have the room," said Charlie between gulps of sunflower seeds. "And once I put up that full-length mirror, it's really gonna open up this space." Charlie said he also plans to use some of his bird toys to form a partition in the middle of the cage, creating the illusion of two separate rooms.
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Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

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Holiday

'90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today

BERKELEY, CA–Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as "phony poseurs unworthy of the word 'punk.'"

Tolbert, who flies the flag for classic '90s punk.

"These kids today have no idea what real punk is," said Tolbert, who called himself "Steve Spew" from 1992 until May 1999, when he was forced to revert to his real name to take a job at Roberto's Custom Auto Upholstery. "Those so-called punk bands they listen to today? Sum 41? Good Charlotte? The Ataris? They're not punk. Back in the day, man, we used to listen to the real deal: Rancid, The Offspring, NOFX, Green Day. Those guys were what true punk rock was all about. Today's stuff is just a pale, watered-down imitation. There's no comparison."

Recalling the glory days of the '90s, Tolbert waxed nostalgic for a few moments before condemning today's punks.

"They can talk all they want about how much punk means to them, but the simple fact is, they weren't there," Tolbert said. "These kids today have no sense of history. They don't know about Pennywise. They barely know about Epitaph Records. Most of them don't even know about Green Day's legendary appearance in '94 at the L.A. Coliseum. It was a watershed, one-of-a-kind moment in the history of youth rebellion, and if you didn't live through it, as I did, you'll never get it, no matter how punk you pretend to be."

Tolbert's disdain for the current punks encompasses not only their musical tastes, but also their style of dress.

"Punk is more than just a Mohawk hairstyle," Tolbert said. "For us back in the '90s, punk was a way of life. I see these kids today hanging around Gilman Street in their leather jackets with their wallet chains, and I just want to say to them, 'You think punk is a costume, man?' Back in'93, it was about so much more: It was a rebellion against outmoded belief systems. It was a cry of outrage against the repressive authority of the Clinton Administration."

"I saw some kid wearing a Sex Pistols T-shirt the other day–he couldn't have been more than 9 when the Pistols did their Filthy Lucre reunion tour," Tolbert said. "I was like, 'You can listen to the music, you can wear the T-shirt, but I was there.' I had fifth-row seats at that goddamn stadium, man, right up front, close enough to see Johnny Rotten's wrinkles. Did you see an original member of The Clash play during Big Audio Dynamite II's last tour? Did you see two of the four original Ramones play at the KROQ Weenie Roast in '95? You did not, but I did. I swear to God, they're like a joke, these people."

Sum 41, a band Tolbert says "can't hold a candle to the greats of eight, nine years ago."

Tolbert, who dropped out of Berkeley Community College in 1993 to spend a year skateboarding and living off his parents, was once a major fixture of Berkeley's punk-revival scene, although he still rejects that label.

"'Punk revival'... what bullshit," Tolbert said. "Anybody who says punk was 'back' in the '90s doesn't know what they're talking about, because punk never went away. Sure, you didn't hear about it as much in the mainstream corporate media, but punk was always around for the true believers like me and my friends."

According to friends, the young Tolbert was a shy but well-respected member of his high school's yearbook staff before adopting a punk-rock stance upon his enrollment at the community college. He later formed a band, Absence Of Dissent, but the band broke up before completing any recordings or playing any gigs.

"We could've been huge," Tolbert said. "Bigger than New Bomb Turks, even. But all the greatest punk bands fell apart before their time. That's what happened to Darby Crash of the Germs, and that's what happened to us, except we didn't die of drug overdoses, and we came along about 15 years later. But the pretty-boy pretend punks of 2003 could never understand that."

"The thing I can't stand is when they get all self-righteous and act like I'm the one who doesn't 'get it,'" Tolbert continued. "That attitude is totally contrary to the whole inclusive spirit of what punk is all about."

Added Tolbert: "Don't try to be something you're not, man. That's what I say."

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