adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

9/11 Truther Vows Not To Rest Until Everyone Knows He An Asshole

Sidwell, an avid Truther, attempts to convince a passerby of his complete prickishness.
Sidwell, an avid Truther, attempts to convince a passerby of his complete prickishness.

MANCHESTER, NH—Claiming that the evidence is in plain sight for those who want to see it, local man and passionate 9/11 Truth movement supporter Victor Sidwell, 32, told reporters Wednesday that he will not rest until everyone knows that he is a complete asshole.

The zealous Truther, who for more than 10 years has reportedly labored to shed light on the fact that he is an obnoxious blowhard seemingly incapable of keeping his fucking mouth shut, vowed to continue lecturing acquaintances, confronting strangers, and handing out pamphlets on the street in an effort to convince as many people as possible that he’s an absolute and utter prick.

“Ever since the so-called terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, I’ve only had one goal in mind: making people realize that I’m a piece of shit,” said Sidwell while posting a lengthy list of inconsistencies in the 9/11 Commission Report on a friend’s Facebook timeline. “If you take even a cursory look at the available information, it becomes glaringly obvious that I’m an abrasive jackass who routinely drowns out anyone unfortunate enough to get locked into a discussion with me.”

“The proof is right there,” he continued. “I’m a repugnant, grating fuck, and I won’t stop until every single person knows it.”

Sidwell has reportedly gone to great lengths to publicize his position as an insufferable loudmouth by diverting every one of his conversations toward the melting point of structural steel, repeatedly calling in to talk radio shows to express his controversial beliefs as to what “really happened” on Flight 93, and placing “What Did Cheney Know?” stickers in bathrooms of numerous local businesses.

Speaking with reporters, the staunch proponent of the “controlled demolition” 9/11 conspiracy theory conceded that it is not always easy making those around him recognize that he is an unapologetic bastard who needs to shut the fuck up and get a life. Sidwell affirmed that, in spite of the challenges, he remains determined to “give a wake-up call” regarding his supreme dickishness to everyone he meets by forcibly engaging them in debates in office break rooms, personal residences, bars, internet message boards, and grocery store checkout lines.

According to the Truther, most of the public remains “trapped inside a bubble” in which they ignorantly perceive him as a rational, well-adjusted member of society. However, he claimed he is making notable progress in convincing more and more of them of the “cold, hard reality” every time he loudly interrupts a friend’s conversation in order to voice his suspicions concerning the whereabouts of the hijacked airliners’ missing black boxes.

“Even though it’s clear that I’m an irritating dipshit, it sometimes takes people a while before they’re willing to take off the blinders and come to their senses,” said Sidwell, who on a regular basis forwards lengthy chain emails containing unsourced accounts of missiles striking the Pentagon to everyone in his address book. “But when you look at the objective facts, a clear picture begins to emerge: I have a compulsive need to engage in arguments in order to assert my intellectual superiority. I am in love with the sound of my own voice. I am not a good person.”

“The more I reach out to others, the more apparent all of that becomes,” Sidwell added.

Having spent years disrupting city council meetings and leaving inflammatory comments on every single YouTube video he watches regardless of its content, sources predicted that it would not be long before Sidwell succeeded in his longtime goal of proving to the world that he is indeed a first-class shitheel.

In fact, numerous sources close to Sidwell acknowledged that he has already succeeded in alerting them to the accuracy of his endless, obsessive claims that he is a jerkoff, with many of these individuals telling reporters that they now wonder how they could have ever doubted him.

“For the longest time, I thought Victor was a levelheaded individual whom you could stand to be around without wanting to tear your hair out, but eventually he was able to snap me out of my stupor,” said Sidwell’s cousin Emily Hardin, noting that she at last became convinced of the Truther’s detestable nature in the middle of his 40-minute diatribe on the potentially doctored wreckage photos of 7 World Trade Center at their last family Thanksgiving. “At first, I was skeptical that he was an asshole, but now I believe. His tendency to seek out confrontations, his inability to talk about anything except 9/11, his refusal to let anyone else get a word in edgewise—it all adds up.”

“He opened my eyes to what should have been clear from the start,” she added.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close