'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered

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Vol 43 Issue 42

Oct. 19, 1931

Recently Opened Empire State Building 'Giant-Ape Proof,' Say Architects
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered

HEAVEN—Explaining that He had been "absolutely swamped," God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy schedule to answer a portion of the 1995 and 1996 prayer backlog.

"Unfortunately, I don't really want a red wagon anymore," 18-year-old Morgantown, WV resident Zach Gilpin said. Others expressed similar displeasure, including 30-year-old accountant Jack Demont, who said that former classmate and high school cheerleader Heidi Stillman's repeated phone calls to his house are "destroying" his marriage.

Other prayers that were answered include Christopher Reeve's 1996 wish to walk again, the Pittsburgh Steelers' prayer on the sidelines prior to playing the Dallas Cowboys in Super Bowl XXX, and former office manager Jeff Watenhofer's request for cheap leather chairs for PNC Bank's 53rd-floor office inside the World Trade Center.

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