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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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'95-'96 Prayers Finally Answered

HEAVEN—Explaining that He had been "absolutely swamped," God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy schedule to answer a portion of the 1995 and 1996 prayer backlog.

"Unfortunately, I don't really want a red wagon anymore," 18-year-old Morgantown, WV resident Zach Gilpin said. Others expressed similar displeasure, including 30-year-old accountant Jack Demont, who said that former classmate and high school cheerleader Heidi Stillman's repeated phone calls to his house are "destroying" his marriage.

Other prayers that were answered include Christopher Reeve's 1996 wish to walk again, the Pittsburgh Steelers' prayer on the sidelines prior to playing the Dallas Cowboys in Super Bowl XXX, and former office manager Jeff Watenhofer's request for cheap leather chairs for PNC Bank's 53rd-floor office inside the World Trade Center.

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