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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series

NEW YORK–Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles. "We came so close in 1955, 1960, 1976, 2001, and 2004. If we had won just one of those, that would have been 27 right there," said Grippo, adding that while he was in attendance for Tommy Henrich's walk-off homer in 1949, Don Larson's perfect game in 1956, and Mickey Mantle's game-ending home run in 1964, none of it will matter if the Yankees don't win at least another 27 World Series championships. "I'll say this, if we could take home 27 championships just one more time, my soul will rest easy." Grippo said that, if nothing else, he hoped his six children and 21 grandchildren would get to see the Yankees win just 1,396 more World Series in their lifetimes.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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