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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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'A Cashier At Our Davenport Location Did What?' Disgusted Sbarro CEO Asks

MELVILLE, NY—Following an update Friday on the status of the chain's 238 pizzerias throughout the Midwest region, witnesses said Sbarro CEO James Greco disgustedly sighed, shook his head, and said, "A cashier at our Davenport location did what?" "You've got to be kidding me," continued a visibly deflated Greco, asking who was responsible for hiring the employee in question, whether the cashier had been told that what he did was absolutely unacceptable, and whether any customers saw. "Jesus. Okay, well, did they clean it up? And what about the smell? Is it gone?" After reportedly asking his colleagues what excuse the cashier could have possibly given for doing what he did, Greco stopped his associates before they could answer and said, "You know what? I don't even want to know."

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