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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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'A Cashier At Our Davenport Location Did What?' Disgusted Sbarro CEO Asks

MELVILLE, NY—Following an update Friday on the status of the chain's 238 pizzerias throughout the Midwest region, witnesses said Sbarro CEO James Greco disgustedly sighed, shook his head, and said, "A cashier at our Davenport location did what?" "You've got to be kidding me," continued a visibly deflated Greco, asking who was responsible for hiring the employee in question, whether the cashier had been told that what he did was absolutely unacceptable, and whether any customers saw. "Jesus. Okay, well, did they clean it up? And what about the smell? Is it gone?" After reportedly asking his colleagues what excuse the cashier could have possibly given for doing what he did, Greco stopped his associates before they could answer and said, "You know what? I don't even want to know."

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