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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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A Classic Jason Somehow Gets Mixed Into Area Man's Anecdote Collection

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—While regaling guests at a house party Saturday, 31-year-old Phil Carver acknowledged that a classic Jason had somehow found its way into his usual repertoire of personal anecdotes. "I was halfway through the story when I realized, 'Hey, what am I saying? This is definitely a Jason I'm telling right now,"' said Carver, who was "baffled" as to how he had missed the telltale marks of a classic Jason and mistaken it for his own. "I felt especially bad because it was the road-trip-through-Tennessee-back-in- college Jason, which is a signature Jason through and through." After Carver went home, several partygoers were overheard remarking that the embarrassing faux pas was vintage Phil.

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