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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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A Classic Jason Somehow Gets Mixed Into Area Man's Anecdote Collection

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—While regaling guests at a house party Saturday, 31-year-old Phil Carver acknowledged that a classic Jason had somehow found its way into his usual repertoire of personal anecdotes. "I was halfway through the story when I realized, 'Hey, what am I saying? This is definitely a Jason I'm telling right now,"' said Carver, who was "baffled" as to how he had missed the telltale marks of a classic Jason and mistaken it for his own. "I felt especially bad because it was the road-trip-through-Tennessee-back-in- college Jason, which is a signature Jason through and through." After Carver went home, several partygoers were overheard remarking that the embarrassing faux pas was vintage Phil.

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