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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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A Classic Jason Somehow Gets Mixed Into Area Man's Anecdote Collection

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—While regaling guests at a house party Saturday, 31-year-old Phil Carver acknowledged that a classic Jason had somehow found its way into his usual repertoire of personal anecdotes. "I was halfway through the story when I realized, 'Hey, what am I saying? This is definitely a Jason I'm telling right now,"' said Carver, who was "baffled" as to how he had missed the telltale marks of a classic Jason and mistaken it for his own. "I felt especially bad because it was the road-trip-through-Tennessee-back-in- college Jason, which is a signature Jason through and through." After Carver went home, several partygoers were overheard remarking that the embarrassing faux pas was vintage Phil.

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