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A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards

Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards. This morning the White House released these bios of the women Biden calls "Joe’s Guardian Vixens."

AZURA MOON, Martial Arts Master
The youngest daughter of a royal family in Malaysia, Azura Moon should have been raised as a princess. However, Azura's natural inclination for adventure led her to frequently sneak out of her family's palace at night to wander the streets of Kuala Lumpur's dangerous slums. After falling in with a gang of thieves and pulling off several daring heists, Azura was eventually arrested after being sold out to the authorities by the gang's leader, with whom she was in love. Azura's powerful father used his clout to save her from being imprisoned in a brutal work camp, instead opting to send her to a secluded monastery in the mountains where she could learn discipline. There she trained under Haji Musa bin Osman, a legendary martial arts expert rumored to be nearly 200 years old. After competing in and winning numerous martial arts tournaments – the last of which was a battle to the death against her traitorous former lover – she was summoned to America by Vice President Joe Biden.

HERA RODRIGUEZ, Champion Lightweight Boxer
Boxing has been a part of Hera Rodriguez's life literally since birth: Her mother delivered her ringside in her family's small boxing gym in Buesaco, Colombia. As soon as she could walk Hera began sparring, devoting every moment she was not in school to becoming a champion lightweight boxer. But when she was 15, Hera's life took a sudden left turn: The deadly Tulio drug cartel moved into her neighborhood and began shaking down shopowners for protection money. After Hera's father refused to be bullied, the cartel burned Hera's beloved family boxing gym to the ground. Enraged, Hera used her boxing skills to cut a swath of destruction through the cartel's ranks, eventually liberating her neighborhood from its stranglehold. On the night of the grand opening of her family's newly rebuilt boxing gym, a mysterious government agent from the U.S. arrived at Hera's doorstep, asking her to accept a new challenge: protecting Vice President Joe Biden.

VIVICA CLAY, Sharpshooter, Demolitions Expert
Born in St. Petersburg, Vivica's parents were murdered in front of her by the Russian Mafia when she was only 11 years old. Vowing revenge, she sought out a mysterious ex-KGB operative known only as Valentin who taught her the ways of the assassin. After years in training, Vivica turned her deadly skills on the gangsters who killed her family, taking them down one by one before finally confronting and slaying the Mafia kingpin in a rooftop sword fight. Her parents' deaths finally avenged, Vivica moved to the U.S. to begin working for Vice President Joe Biden.

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