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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards

Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards. This morning the White House released these bios of the women Biden calls "Joe’s Guardian Vixens."

AZURA MOON, Martial Arts Master
The youngest daughter of a royal family in Malaysia, Azura Moon should have been raised as a princess. However, Azura's natural inclination for adventure led her to frequently sneak out of her family's palace at night to wander the streets of Kuala Lumpur's dangerous slums. After falling in with a gang of thieves and pulling off several daring heists, Azura was eventually arrested after being sold out to the authorities by the gang's leader, with whom she was in love. Azura's powerful father used his clout to save her from being imprisoned in a brutal work camp, instead opting to send her to a secluded monastery in the mountains where she could learn discipline. There she trained under Haji Musa bin Osman, a legendary martial arts expert rumored to be nearly 200 years old. After competing in and winning numerous martial arts tournaments – the last of which was a battle to the death against her traitorous former lover – she was summoned to America by Vice President Joe Biden.

HERA RODRIGUEZ, Champion Lightweight Boxer
Boxing has been a part of Hera Rodriguez's life literally since birth: Her mother delivered her ringside in her family's small boxing gym in Buesaco, Colombia. As soon as she could walk Hera began sparring, devoting every moment she was not in school to becoming a champion lightweight boxer. But when she was 15, Hera's life took a sudden left turn: The deadly Tulio drug cartel moved into her neighborhood and began shaking down shopowners for protection money. After Hera's father refused to be bullied, the cartel burned Hera's beloved family boxing gym to the ground. Enraged, Hera used her boxing skills to cut a swath of destruction through the cartel's ranks, eventually liberating her neighborhood from its stranglehold. On the night of the grand opening of her family's newly rebuilt boxing gym, a mysterious government agent from the U.S. arrived at Hera's doorstep, asking her to accept a new challenge: protecting Vice President Joe Biden.

VIVICA CLAY, Sharpshooter, Demolitions Expert
Born in St. Petersburg, Vivica's parents were murdered in front of her by the Russian Mafia when she was only 11 years old. Vowing revenge, she sought out a mysterious ex-KGB operative known only as Valentin who taught her the ways of the assassin. After years in training, Vivica turned her deadly skills on the gangsters who killed her family, taking them down one by one before finally confronting and slaying the Mafia kingpin in a rooftop sword fight. Her parents' deaths finally avenged, Vivica moved to the U.S. to begin working for Vice President Joe Biden.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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