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A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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A Closer Look At Biden's New Bodyguards

Earlier this week Vice President Joe Biden replaced his traditional Secret Service detail with a team of sexy female bodyguards. This morning the White House released these bios of the women Biden calls "Joe’s Guardian Vixens."

AZURA MOON, Martial Arts Master
The youngest daughter of a royal family in Malaysia, Azura Moon should have been raised as a princess. However, Azura's natural inclination for adventure led her to frequently sneak out of her family's palace at night to wander the streets of Kuala Lumpur's dangerous slums. After falling in with a gang of thieves and pulling off several daring heists, Azura was eventually arrested after being sold out to the authorities by the gang's leader, with whom she was in love. Azura's powerful father used his clout to save her from being imprisoned in a brutal work camp, instead opting to send her to a secluded monastery in the mountains where she could learn discipline. There she trained under Haji Musa bin Osman, a legendary martial arts expert rumored to be nearly 200 years old. After competing in and winning numerous martial arts tournaments – the last of which was a battle to the death against her traitorous former lover – she was summoned to America by Vice President Joe Biden.

HERA RODRIGUEZ, Champion Lightweight Boxer
Boxing has been a part of Hera Rodriguez's life literally since birth: Her mother delivered her ringside in her family's small boxing gym in Buesaco, Colombia. As soon as she could walk Hera began sparring, devoting every moment she was not in school to becoming a champion lightweight boxer. But when she was 15, Hera's life took a sudden left turn: The deadly Tulio drug cartel moved into her neighborhood and began shaking down shopowners for protection money. After Hera's father refused to be bullied, the cartel burned Hera's beloved family boxing gym to the ground. Enraged, Hera used her boxing skills to cut a swath of destruction through the cartel's ranks, eventually liberating her neighborhood from its stranglehold. On the night of the grand opening of her family's newly rebuilt boxing gym, a mysterious government agent from the U.S. arrived at Hera's doorstep, asking her to accept a new challenge: protecting Vice President Joe Biden.

VIVICA CLAY, Sharpshooter, Demolitions Expert
Born in St. Petersburg, Vivica's parents were murdered in front of her by the Russian Mafia when she was only 11 years old. Vowing revenge, she sought out a mysterious ex-KGB operative known only as Valentin who taught her the ways of the assassin. After years in training, Vivica turned her deadly skills on the gangsters who killed her family, taking them down one by one before finally confronting and slaying the Mafia kingpin in a rooftop sword fight. Her parents' deaths finally avenged, Vivica moved to the U.S. to begin working for Vice President Joe Biden.

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