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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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A-Rod Also Leading Yankees In Grammatical Errors

NEW YORK—After an embarrassing post-game interview in which Alex Rodriguez committed three sloppy grammatical errors in a single sentence, the Yankee third-baseman moved into the team lead with 57 on the season. "I'm feeling really well out there, and I thought I had proved myself after yesterday's game, but I just can't seem to remember that prepositions are not a good thing to end a sentence with," said Rodriguez, who has been working with Yankees sentence-construction coach Lee Mazzilli on his fielding of questions. "But irregardless of what my critics say, this inflammable problem will be fixed by me." Rodriguez was also quick to note that he would likely only be third on the team in both grammatical errors and double-negatives if Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield had been healthy and talking all season.

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