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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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A-Rod Also Leading Yankees In Grammatical Errors

NEW YORK—After an embarrassing post-game interview in which Alex Rodriguez committed three sloppy grammatical errors in a single sentence, the Yankee third-baseman moved into the team lead with 57 on the season. "I'm feeling really well out there, and I thought I had proved myself after yesterday's game, but I just can't seem to remember that prepositions are not a good thing to end a sentence with," said Rodriguez, who has been working with Yankees sentence-construction coach Lee Mazzilli on his fielding of questions. "But irregardless of what my critics say, this inflammable problem will be fixed by me." Rodriguez was also quick to note that he would likely only be third on the team in both grammatical errors and double-negatives if Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield had been healthy and talking all season.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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