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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, a feat he hopes to reminisce about one day with his countless estranged grandchildren.

"I can see it now: I'll visit my grandkids every year and a half or so, remind them that I am actually their grandfather, and if it's not too awkward, I'll sit them on my lap," Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he'll probably have grandchildren he barely knows scattered throughout the country. "Then I'll tell them about how I once knocked an 0-2 Brian Fuentes pitch over the right-field wall during the ALCS."

Added Rodriguez, "While I'm doing this I'll make sure my 23-year-old girlfriend waits in the car."

Rodriguez, whose wife divorced him after he spent months philandering with both Madonna and numerous unidentified strippers, also tied Games 2 and 3 of the ALDS with clutch home runs—home runs he'd like to recount to future neglected offspring too numerous to name.

"My daughter Ella is a year old now, and I'm happy to say that she is shaping up to be a complete nonentity in my life," Rodriguez said. "But I'm certain her children will love ol' Grandpa A-Rod coming around to wherever they happen to live, and showing them the baseball he hit off of Joe Nathan. Maybe I'll throw in a dragon or wizard to make the story a little more interesting, because the kids might not want to pay attention to someone who is basically just an old stranger who makes their mother cry."

"Man, it's going to be great being an absent grandfather someday," Rodriguez added.

In addition to the grandchildren from previous relationships he intends to ignore, Rodriguez said he wouldn't be surprised if he and actress Kate Hudson had a beautiful failed marriage that resulted in up to 12 more unwanted grandchildren with whom he could share his postseason heroics.

Rodriguez also beamed when talking about the prospect of having an estranged grandson, saying that he constantly thinks about what it would be like to awkwardly play catch with him and teach him how to hold a bat, even though it would be uncomfortable to touch him. He told reporters he would love taking the boy to a baseball game someday and talking to him about his three-hit performance in Game 4 of the ALCS, with the two of them sitting and silently wondering if they will have to keep up the facade of a functional family through the entire nine-inning contest.

"As their indifferent grandfather, I would feel an obligation to be part of their lives in the most insignificant way possible," Rodriguez said. "I'll tell them how Grandpa, Pop-Pop, or whatever it is kids call their grandfather, felt when he hit that bomb off of Carl Pavano in the division series. At least I assume they'll want to know that. I guess they might have other interests, but I'm not really going to take the time to get to know who they are. For the short amount of time I plan on spending with them it wouldn't be worth it."

According to his teammates, Rodriguez is a family man at heart—someone who glows when he talks about never seeing his immediate children, and a man who smiles from ear to ear at the possibility of one day spoiling his grandkids with court-ordered child support payments.

"He walks around the clubhouse saying that when he's old and gray he wants to complicate his grandchildren's lives by popping in unannounced and telling them about his MVP awards and 500th home run," teammate Mark Teixeira said. "He's going to be an awesome deadbeat grandpa. I mean, he already has the shitty-dad thing down."

Despite Rodriguez's success in the postseason thus far, the third baseman says he remains focused on winning a World Series, and told reporters that the more comfortable he gets on the field, the more opportunities he will have to create future stories to tell the grandchildren he will barely know.

"I can think of nothing more valuable than passing down to my own flesh and blood the tale of how their grandfather finally became a true Yankee in the 2009 postseason." Rodriguez said. "Because everyone else I try to tell that to walks away from me. Luckily kids are still stupid enough to listen to my bullshit."

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