MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, a feat he hopes to reminisce about one day with his countless estranged grandchildren.

"I can see it now: I'll visit my grandkids every year and a half or so, remind them that I am actually their grandfather, and if it's not too awkward, I'll sit them on my lap," Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he'll probably have grandchildren he barely knows scattered throughout the country. "Then I'll tell them about how I once knocked an 0-2 Brian Fuentes pitch over the right-field wall during the ALCS."

Added Rodriguez, "While I'm doing this I'll make sure my 23-year-old girlfriend waits in the car."

Rodriguez, whose wife divorced him after he spent months philandering with both Madonna and numerous unidentified strippers, also tied Games 2 and 3 of the ALDS with clutch home runs—home runs he'd like to recount to future neglected offspring too numerous to name.

"My daughter Ella is a year old now, and I'm happy to say that she is shaping up to be a complete nonentity in my life," Rodriguez said. "But I'm certain her children will love ol' Grandpa A-Rod coming around to wherever they happen to live, and showing them the baseball he hit off of Joe Nathan. Maybe I'll throw in a dragon or wizard to make the story a little more interesting, because the kids might not want to pay attention to someone who is basically just an old stranger who makes their mother cry."

"Man, it's going to be great being an absent grandfather someday," Rodriguez added.

In addition to the grandchildren from previous relationships he intends to ignore, Rodriguez said he wouldn't be surprised if he and actress Kate Hudson had a beautiful failed marriage that resulted in up to 12 more unwanted grandchildren with whom he could share his postseason heroics.

Rodriguez also beamed when talking about the prospect of having an estranged grandson, saying that he constantly thinks about what it would be like to awkwardly play catch with him and teach him how to hold a bat, even though it would be uncomfortable to touch him. He told reporters he would love taking the boy to a baseball game someday and talking to him about his three-hit performance in Game 4 of the ALCS, with the two of them sitting and silently wondering if they will have to keep up the facade of a functional family through the entire nine-inning contest.

"As their indifferent grandfather, I would feel an obligation to be part of their lives in the most insignificant way possible," Rodriguez said. "I'll tell them how Grandpa, Pop-Pop, or whatever it is kids call their grandfather, felt when he hit that bomb off of Carl Pavano in the division series. At least I assume they'll want to know that. I guess they might have other interests, but I'm not really going to take the time to get to know who they are. For the short amount of time I plan on spending with them it wouldn't be worth it."

According to his teammates, Rodriguez is a family man at heart—someone who glows when he talks about never seeing his immediate children, and a man who smiles from ear to ear at the possibility of one day spoiling his grandkids with court-ordered child support payments.

"He walks around the clubhouse saying that when he's old and gray he wants to complicate his grandchildren's lives by popping in unannounced and telling them about his MVP awards and 500th home run," teammate Mark Teixeira said. "He's going to be an awesome deadbeat grandpa. I mean, he already has the shitty-dad thing down."

Despite Rodriguez's success in the postseason thus far, the third baseman says he remains focused on winning a World Series, and told reporters that the more comfortable he gets on the field, the more opportunities he will have to create future stories to tell the grandchildren he will barely know.

"I can think of nothing more valuable than passing down to my own flesh and blood the tale of how their grandfather finally became a true Yankee in the 2009 postseason." Rodriguez said. "Because everyone else I try to tell that to walks away from me. Luckily kids are still stupid enough to listen to my bullshit."

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