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A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

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SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

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Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

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Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

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WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

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Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

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Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

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A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, a feat he hopes to reminisce about one day with his countless estranged grandchildren.

"I can see it now: I'll visit my grandkids every year and a half or so, remind them that I am actually their grandfather, and if it's not too awkward, I'll sit them on my lap," Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he'll probably have grandchildren he barely knows scattered throughout the country. "Then I'll tell them about how I once knocked an 0-2 Brian Fuentes pitch over the right-field wall during the ALCS."

Added Rodriguez, "While I'm doing this I'll make sure my 23-year-old girlfriend waits in the car."

Rodriguez, whose wife divorced him after he spent months philandering with both Madonna and numerous unidentified strippers, also tied Games 2 and 3 of the ALDS with clutch home runs—home runs he'd like to recount to future neglected offspring too numerous to name.

"My daughter Ella is a year old now, and I'm happy to say that she is shaping up to be a complete nonentity in my life," Rodriguez said. "But I'm certain her children will love ol' Grandpa A-Rod coming around to wherever they happen to live, and showing them the baseball he hit off of Joe Nathan. Maybe I'll throw in a dragon or wizard to make the story a little more interesting, because the kids might not want to pay attention to someone who is basically just an old stranger who makes their mother cry."

"Man, it's going to be great being an absent grandfather someday," Rodriguez added.

In addition to the grandchildren from previous relationships he intends to ignore, Rodriguez said he wouldn't be surprised if he and actress Kate Hudson had a beautiful failed marriage that resulted in up to 12 more unwanted grandchildren with whom he could share his postseason heroics.

Rodriguez also beamed when talking about the prospect of having an estranged grandson, saying that he constantly thinks about what it would be like to awkwardly play catch with him and teach him how to hold a bat, even though it would be uncomfortable to touch him. He told reporters he would love taking the boy to a baseball game someday and talking to him about his three-hit performance in Game 4 of the ALCS, with the two of them sitting and silently wondering if they will have to keep up the facade of a functional family through the entire nine-inning contest.

"As their indifferent grandfather, I would feel an obligation to be part of their lives in the most insignificant way possible," Rodriguez said. "I'll tell them how Grandpa, Pop-Pop, or whatever it is kids call their grandfather, felt when he hit that bomb off of Carl Pavano in the division series. At least I assume they'll want to know that. I guess they might have other interests, but I'm not really going to take the time to get to know who they are. For the short amount of time I plan on spending with them it wouldn't be worth it."

According to his teammates, Rodriguez is a family man at heart—someone who glows when he talks about never seeing his immediate children, and a man who smiles from ear to ear at the possibility of one day spoiling his grandkids with court-ordered child support payments.

"He walks around the clubhouse saying that when he's old and gray he wants to complicate his grandchildren's lives by popping in unannounced and telling them about his MVP awards and 500th home run," teammate Mark Teixeira said. "He's going to be an awesome deadbeat grandpa. I mean, he already has the shitty-dad thing down."

Despite Rodriguez's success in the postseason thus far, the third baseman says he remains focused on winning a World Series, and told reporters that the more comfortable he gets on the field, the more opportunities he will have to create future stories to tell the grandchildren he will barely know.

"I can think of nothing more valuable than passing down to my own flesh and blood the tale of how their grandfather finally became a true Yankee in the 2009 postseason." Rodriguez said. "Because everyone else I try to tell that to walks away from me. Luckily kids are still stupid enough to listen to my bullshit."

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