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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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A-Rod Checks Beckett Baseball Card Monthly To See If Rookie Card Went Up

NEW YORK—On a recent visit to a local mall with his wife and children, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez entered a sports memorabilia store and flipped through a copy of Beckett Baseball Card Monthly to see if his recent trip to the disabled list had any effect on the price of his rookie card. "I mean, it's not career-ending, but it could spell a tragically early end to a great career, right?" muttered Rodriguez as he ran his finger across the pages, cross-referencing his name against various baseball card manufacturers. "Topps is up, but that's just a typical monthly increase. Upper Deck's got a high book of $40? Now that's just insulting. And Fleer—Fleer didn't even move at all? Goddamn Fleer." While at the store, Rodriguez purchased an autographed photo of himself hitting his 500th homerun and a novelty street sign reading Alex Rodriguez Way.

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