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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A-Rod Has Some Creative Input On Baseball-Card Photo

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez announced yesterday that his 2007 Topps Major League Baseball Series 2 baseball-card photo would serve as a statement of the man and player he has become while also remembering the man and player he used to be. "The photo captures me at third base in an athletic position, suggesting that I am extremely focused and ready for anything, as I am in all aspects of my life," Rodriguez said, adding that the angle of the photo, which allows those viewing the card to see fans cheering in the background, is no coincidence. "The photo also suggests, with a hint of Derek Jeter's left foot in the top-left corner of the frame, that my days at shortstop are behind me, although I am of course a team player who is willing to sacrifice himself and put his body on the line every night." Representatives at Topps said Rodriguez was "extremely difficult" to work with, as opposed to rookie Yankee left-fielder Melky Cabrera, who was just happy to be on a baseball card.

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