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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die'

NEW YORK—Following Raul Ibanez’s walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez—who was replaced by Ibanez in the bottom of the ninth inning—reportedly congratulated his teammate and wished him an untimely death. “I don’t think there was anyone in the ballpark more excited for Raul than me, and I’d like him to die slowly in some extremely painful way, preferably while his entire family watches,” a smiling Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he is proud to be Ibanez’s teammate and that he’d really like him to die in the next 24 hours. “Maybe something where he is strangled to death or stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach and face. I think it would also be nice if he was forced to walk out onto a frozen pond at gunpoint, and then he just fell through the cracked ice and drowned. Something like that. I’m so happy for Raul.” At press time, Raul Ibanez had not been seen by anyone in the past 12 hours.

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