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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die'

NEW YORK—Following Raul Ibanez’s walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez—who was replaced by Ibanez in the bottom of the ninth inning—reportedly congratulated his teammate and wished him an untimely death. “I don’t think there was anyone in the ballpark more excited for Raul than me, and I’d like him to die slowly in some extremely painful way, preferably while his entire family watches,” a smiling Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he is proud to be Ibanez’s teammate and that he’d really like him to die in the next 24 hours. “Maybe something where he is strangled to death or stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach and face. I think it would also be nice if he was forced to walk out onto a frozen pond at gunpoint, and then he just fell through the cracked ice and drowned. Something like that. I’m so happy for Raul.” At press time, Raul Ibanez had not been seen by anyone in the past 12 hours.

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