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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die'

NEW YORK—Following Raul Ibanez’s walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez—who was replaced by Ibanez in the bottom of the ninth inning—reportedly congratulated his teammate and wished him an untimely death. “I don’t think there was anyone in the ballpark more excited for Raul than me, and I’d like him to die slowly in some extremely painful way, preferably while his entire family watches,” a smiling Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he is proud to be Ibanez’s teammate and that he’d really like him to die in the next 24 hours. “Maybe something where he is strangled to death or stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach and face. I think it would also be nice if he was forced to walk out onto a frozen pond at gunpoint, and then he just fell through the cracked ice and drowned. Something like that. I’m so happy for Raul.” At press time, Raul Ibanez had not been seen by anyone in the past 12 hours.

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