A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die'

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

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A-Rod: 'I'm Very Happy For Raul Ibanez, And I Want Him To Die'

NEW YORK—Following Raul Ibanez’s walk-off home run in Game 3 of the American League Division Series last night, slumping Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez—who was replaced by Ibanez in the bottom of the ninth inning—reportedly congratulated his teammate and wished him an untimely death. “I don’t think there was anyone in the ballpark more excited for Raul than me, and I’d like him to die slowly in some extremely painful way, preferably while his entire family watches,” a smiling Rodriguez said during a postgame press conference, adding that he is proud to be Ibanez’s teammate and that he’d really like him to die in the next 24 hours. “Maybe something where he is strangled to death or stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach and face. I think it would also be nice if he was forced to walk out onto a frozen pond at gunpoint, and then he just fell through the cracked ice and drowned. Something like that. I’m so happy for Raul.” At press time, Raul Ibanez had not been seen by anyone in the past 12 hours.

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