A-Rod Incredibly Humbled To Be Mentioned Alongside All-Time Greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco

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Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.

Tips For Hosting A Fantasy Football Draft

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft. Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage throu...
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

A-Rod Incredibly Humbled To Be Mentioned Alongside All-Time Greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco

NEW YORK—Saying the comparisons are “unbelievably flattering,” New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez told reporters Friday that he is extremely humbled to currently be mentioned in the same breath as all-time baseball greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco. “When you talk about the likes of Bonds, McGwire, and Canseco, you’re talking about some of the best hitters who ever played the game, and to be in the same company as those players is pretty incredible,” said Rodriguez, adding that “it’s a true honor” to also be likened to other sports icons such as cyclist Lance Armstrong and Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson. “I’ve seen some people put me up there with [Sammy] Sosa and Manny [Ramirez], and I really don’t know what to say. These guys are baseball legends—heroes, really—and hearing my name said alongside theirs is pretty overwhelming.” Rodriguez later admitted to sources that he doesn’t understand the comparisons between himself and Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun, claiming that he’s “a totally different player.”

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