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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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A-Rod Incredibly Humbled To Be Mentioned Alongside All-Time Greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco

NEW YORK—Saying the comparisons are “unbelievably flattering,” New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez told reporters Friday that he is extremely humbled to currently be mentioned in the same breath as all-time baseball greats Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco. “When you talk about the likes of Bonds, McGwire, and Canseco, you’re talking about some of the best hitters who ever played the game, and to be in the same company as those players is pretty incredible,” said Rodriguez, adding that “it’s a true honor” to also be likened to other sports icons such as cyclist Lance Armstrong and Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson. “I’ve seen some people put me up there with [Sammy] Sosa and Manny [Ramirez], and I really don’t know what to say. These guys are baseball legends—heroes, really—and hearing my name said alongside theirs is pretty overwhelming.” Rodriguez later admitted to sources that he doesn’t understand the comparisons between himself and Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun, claiming that he’s “a totally different player.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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