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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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A-Rod: 'Maybe Everyone Will Let This One Slide'

MIAMI—One week after the revelation that Alex Rodriguez had tested positive for steroids in 2003 and days after Rodriguez confirmed the allegations by admitting to using banned substances, the Yankee slugger was hopeful that the issue would pass without too much of a fuss. "Sure, I've gotten blasted for my failure in the clutch, and people on the street still taunt me for slapping the ball out of that guy's hand, but maybe they'll let me go on the whole taking-steroids-for-years thing," the embattled third baseman said from his Florida home. "You never know. Steroids stuff happens all the time, plus I haven't upstaged a World Series in months and I've kept my continued extramarital affair with [international pop star] Madonna on the back burner, so I think I've earned a break. Yeah, this will all blow over in a day or two." Rodriguez then turned off his television, threw all his newspapers in the garbage without looking at them, and retreated to his unlit and silent basement.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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