His face displaying mounting distress with each successive bite, local man Dillon Higstrom is nearly halfway through his burrito without yet having encountered any trace of guacamole, sources indicated Wednesday. Full article.
NEW YORK—A visibly distressed Alex Rodriguez announced Tuesday that controversial baseball figure Pete Rose has sent him dozens of scandalous text messages containing sexual innuendo, salacious encouragement, and obscene batting pointers. The Yankees third baseman, who has been texting with MLB's all-time hits leader for two years, said the messages included such remarks as "Nice stroke Big Rod, feels good," "You're so hot, keep it up for me," "Way to connect," and "Find a hole and just grind it. Grind it. Grind it. Harder." "I guess it helped my hitting, at least at first," Rodriguez said. "But eventually I realized what was happening... I can't believe Pete Rose would betray my trust like that." According to Rodriguez, the latest text message from Rose read "I wish I had you when I was managing the Reds—had you inside me."