How do dangerous narcotics cartels smuggle their goods into the U.S. and what is the human cost of their operations? The Onion explains the drug trade.
NEW YORK—A visibly distressed Alex Rodriguez announced Tuesday that controversial baseball figure Pete Rose has sent him dozens of scandalous text messages containing sexual innuendo, salacious encouragement, and obscene batting pointers. The Yankees third baseman, who has been texting with MLB's all-time hits leader for two years, said the messages included such remarks as "Nice stroke Big Rod, feels good," "You're so hot, keep it up for me," "Way to connect," and "Find a hole and just grind it. Grind it. Grind it. Harder." "I guess it helped my hitting, at least at first," Rodriguez said. "But eventually I realized what was happening... I can't believe Pete Rose would betray my trust like that." According to Rodriguez, the latest text message from Rose read "I wish I had you when I was managing the Reds—had you inside me."