adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

A-Rod Shipped Back To Manufacturer To Fix Mechanical Flaw In Swing

NEW YORK—After noticing a slight, recurring mechanical flaw in its swing that has caused its season average to dip to .275, Yankee officials sent A-ROD-13, an expensive yet still completely unreliable batting unit, back to its original manufacturer for recalibration and a general tune-up. "The problem is stemming from the inconsistent firing of cylinders in A-ROD's hydraulic system, causing his pressure-relief valve to start responding to every late-game algorithm by popping out to first base," said Yankees assistant engineer Lee Mazzilli, who is responsible for oiling A-ROD's hinges and tightening his shoulder screws between innings. "Also, his fielding-equilibrium mechanism totally blew out a month ago, and we still haven't replaced it. But A-ROD should be back and as good as new in four to six weeks." Yankee officials, however, have thus far experienced no problems with A-ROD's factory-installed voicebox, which has only repeated the same five stock phrases it was specifically programmed to say.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close