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A-Rod Shipped Back To Manufacturer To Fix Mechanical Flaw In Swing

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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A-Rod Shipped Back To Manufacturer To Fix Mechanical Flaw In Swing

NEW YORK—After noticing a slight, recurring mechanical flaw in its swing that has caused its season average to dip to .275, Yankee officials sent A-ROD-13, an expensive yet still completely unreliable batting unit, back to its original manufacturer for recalibration and a general tune-up. "The problem is stemming from the inconsistent firing of cylinders in A-ROD's hydraulic system, causing his pressure-relief valve to start responding to every late-game algorithm by popping out to first base," said Yankees assistant engineer Lee Mazzilli, who is responsible for oiling A-ROD's hinges and tightening his shoulder screws between innings. "Also, his fielding-equilibrium mechanism totally blew out a month ago, and we still haven't replaced it. But A-ROD should be back and as good as new in four to six weeks." Yankee officials, however, have thus far experienced no problems with A-ROD's factory-installed voicebox, which has only repeated the same five stock phrases it was specifically programmed to say.

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