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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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A-Rod Shows Minor Leaguers Proper Way To Put Down Teammates

TAMPA, FL—A week into his rehabilitation stint with the minor league Tampa Yankees, third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly impressed his new teammates Wednesday by sharing valuable tips about proper technique for putting each other down. “To alienate players at a major league level, you have to be active and aggressive about creating hostility toward them with a wide variety of disparaging remarks,” Rodriguez said to the dugout full of wide-eyed minor leaguers eagerly absorbing every word of his advice. “Stay focused on escalating pointless, petty squabbles as much as you can, and pretty soon you’ll see yourself getting involved in longer, more vicious disputes. The most important thing is that, deep down, you’re a bitter and hateful person. That’s something you can’t coach.” Tampa catcher Tyson Blaser confirmed that after practice, Rodriguez offered to take everyone except pitcher Rafael De Paula out to dinner and explain some subtle tactics for starting feuds.

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